CANDIDE
Life is happiness indeed
Mares to ride and books to read
Though of noble birth I'm not
I'm delighted with my lot
Though I've no distinctive features
And I've no official mother
I love all my fellow creatures
And the creatures love each other!

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MAXIMILIAN
Life is happiness unending
Being rich and condescending
When your blood is at its bluest
Inconveniences are fewest

The days are filled with pleasure
Racing horses, chasing leisure
Shooting pheasants in the presence
Of the hungry, gaping peasants

If the locals seem to hate us
That's the price you pay for social status

Sad to say, there's no escaping
All the bowing, all the scraping
Still it's true that being well-bred
Helps you deal with those who sell bread

Born with everything I need
Life is happiness indeed.

CUNEGONDE
Life is happiness indeed
I have everything I need
I am rich and unattached
And my beauty is unmatched

With the rose my only rival
I admit to some frustration
What a pity that its survival
Is of limited duration!

CANDIDE
Life is happiness indeed:
Horses to ride and books to read.
Though of noble birth we're not
We're delighted with our lot.

We're innocent and unambitious,
That's why life is so delicious,
We have ev'ry thing we need
Life here is happiness indeed!
Life is indeed!
Sheer happiness indeed!
Sheer happiness
Sheer happiness
Indeed

PAQUETTE
Life is hapiness indeed:
Though of noble birth we're not
We're delighted with our lot.

We're innocent and unambitious,
That's why life is so delicious,
We have ev'ry thing we need
Life here is happiness indeed!
Life is indeed!
Life is indeed!
Happiness indeed
Indeed
Indeed
Indeed

CUNEGONDE
Life is absolute perfection
Horses to ride and books to read

We're innocent and unambitious,
That's why life is so delicious,
We have ev'ry thing we need
Life here is happiness indeed!
Life is indeed!
Indeed!
Happiness indeed!
Happiness
Happiness
Indeed!

MAXIMILIAN
Life is happiness unending,
Being rich and condescending.
When your blood is at its bluest,
Inconveniences are fewest.
The days are filled with pleasure:
Racing horses, chasing leisure,
Shooting pheasants in the presence
Of the hungry, gaping peasants.
If the locals seem to hate us,
That's the price you pay for social status.
Birth bestows on those of merit
Rights and titles to inherit.
Still, though, tolerating new blood
Strains the patience of the blueblood.
Born with everything I need,
Life is happiness indeed.

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PANGLOSS
Let us review lesson eleven

CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, MAXIMILIAN & PAQUETTE
Paragraph two, axiom seven

PANGLOSS
Once one dismisses
The rest of all possible worlds
One finds that this is
The best of all possible worlds

CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, MAXIMILIAN & PAQUETTE
Once one dismisses
The rest of all possible worlds

PANGLOSS
Pray classify

(To Maximilian)

Pigeons

(To Paquette)

and camels

MAXIMILIAN
Pigeons can fly

PAQUETTE
Camels are mammals

PANGLOSS

(To Candide)

There is a reason
For everything under the sun.

CANDIDE

(Answering)

There is a season
For everything under the sun.

PANGLOSS
Any questions?

MAXIMILIAN
What about snakes?

PANGLOSS
Snakes...

...'Twas snake that tempter Mother Eve
Because of snake we now believe
That though depraved
We can be saved
From hellfire and damnation

PANGLOSS, CUNEGONDE & PAQUETTE
Because of snake's temptation

PANGLOSS
If snake had not seduced our lot
And primed us for salvation
Jehovah could not pardon all
The sins that we call cardinal
Involving bed and bottle

Mankind is one
All men are brothers

CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, MAXIMILIAN & PAQUETTE
As you'd have done
Do unto others

PANGLOSS
It's understood in
This best of all possible worlds:

MAXIMILIAN
All's for the good in
This best of all possible worlds.

PANGLOSS
Any questions?

CANDIDE
What about war?

PANGLOSS
War...
...Though war may seem a bloody curse
It is a blessing in reverse
When cannon roar
Both rich and poor
By danger are united

MAXIMILIAN
'Til ev'ry wrong is righted

PANGLOSS
Philosophers make evident
The point that I have cited
'Tis war makes equal, as it were
The noble and the commoner
Thus war improves relations

ALL
Now on to conjugations

PANGLOSS

(To Paquette)

Amo, amas, amat, amamus

CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, MAXIMILIAN & PAQUETTE
Amo, amas, amat, amamus

PANGLOSS
Proving that this is
The best of all possible worlds

CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, MAXIMILIAN & PAQUETTE
With love and kisses
The best of all possible worlds.

PANGLOSS
Quod erat demonstrandum!
Q.E.D.

ALL
Quod erat demonstrandum!
Q.E.D.
Amo, amas, amat, amamus

Quod erat demonstrandum
In this best of all possible worlds!
Quod erat demonstrandum!
Q! E! D!

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ALL
We have learned and understood
Everything that is, is good
Everything that is, is planned
Is wisely planned, is right and good

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CANDIDE
Soon, when we feel we can afford it
We'll build a modest little farm

CUNEGONDE
We'll buy a yacht and live aboard it
Rolling in luxury and stylish charm

CANDIDE
Cows and chickens

CUNEGONDE
Social whirls

CANDIDE
Peas and cabbage

CUNEGONDE
Ropes of pearls

CANDIDE
Soon there'll be little ones beside us
We'll have a sweet westphalian home

CUNEGONDE
Somehow we'll grow as rich as Midas
We'll live in Paris when we're not in Rome

CANDIDE
Smiling babies

CUNEGONDE
Marble halls

CANDIDE
Sunday picnics

CUNEGONDE
Costume balls
Oh, won't my robes of silk and satin
Be chic! I'll have all that I desire

CANDIDE
Pangloss will tutor us in Latin
And Greek, while we sit before the fire

CUNEGONDE
Glowing rubies

CANDIDE
Glowing logs

CUNEGONDE
Faithful servants

CANDIDE
Faithful dogs

CUNEGONDE
We'll round the world enjoying high life
All bubbly pink champagne and gold

CANDIDE
We'll lead a rustic and a shy life
Feeding the pigs and sweetly growing old

CUNEGONDE
Breast of peacock

CANDIDE
Apple pie

CUNEGONDE
I love marraige

CANDIDE
So do I

CUNEGONDE
Oh, happy pair!
Oh, happy we!
It's very rare
How we agree

CANDIDE & CUNEGONDE
Oh, happy pair!
Oh, happy we!
It's very rare
How we agree

Oh, happy pair!
Oh, happy we!
It's very rare
How we agree

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CANDIDE
My world is dust now
And all I love is dead
Oh, let me trust now
To what my master said
'There is a sweetness in ev'ry woe'
It must be so
It must be so

The dawn will find me
Alone in some strange land
But men are kindly
They'll give a helping hand
So said my master, and he must know

It must be so
It must be so

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CANDIDE
Cunegonde?

Cunegonde?

Cunegonde!

Cunegonde, is it true?
Is it you, so still and cold, love?
Could our young joys, just begun
Not outlast the dying sun?

When such brightness dies so soon
Can the heart find strength to bear it?
Shall I ever be consoled, love?
No, I swear it
By the light of this lover's moon

Though I must see tomorrow's dawn
My heart is gone where you are gone

Cunegonde!
Cunegonde!

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PANGLOSS
Dear boy, you will not hear me speak
With sorrow or with rancour
Of what has shrivelled up my cheek
And blasted it with canker

'Twas love, great love, that did the deed
Through nature's gentle laws
And how should ill effects proceed
From so divine a cause?

Dear boy
Sweet honey comes from bees that sting
As you are well aware
To one adept in reasoning
Whatever pains disease may bring
Are but the tangy seasoning
To love's delicious fare

INVALIDS
Sweet honey comes from bees that sting

PANGLOSS
Dear boy

INVALIDS
Sweet honey comes from bees that sting

PANGLOSS
Dear boy

INVALIDS
Sweet honey bees that sting

PANGLOSS
Columbus and his men, they say
Conveyed the virus hither
Whereby my features rot away
And vital powers wither

Yet had they not traversed the seas
And come infected back
Why, think of all the luxuries
That modern life would lack

Dear boy

All bitter things conduce to sweet
As this example shows
Without the little spirochete
We'd have no chocolate to eat
Nor would tobacco's fragrance greet
The European nose

INVALIDS
All bitter things conduce to sweet

PANGLOSS
Dear boy

INVALIDS
All bitter things conduce to sweet

PANGLOSS
Dear boy

INVALIDS
All bitter things to sweet

PANGLOSS
Each nation guards its native land
With cannon and with sentry
Inspectors look for contraband
At ev'ry point of entry

Yet nothing can prevent the spread
Of love's divine disease
It rounds the world from bed to bed
As pretty as you please
Dear boy

Men worship Venus ev'reywhere
As may be plainly seen
Her decorations which I bear
Are nobler than the croix de guerre
And gained in service of our fair
And universal queen

INVALIDS
Men worship Venus ev'rywhere

PANGLOSS
Dear boy

INVALIDS
Men worship Venus ev'rywhere

PANGLOSS
Dear boy

INVALIDS
Men worship ev'rywhere

PANGLOSS
Dear boy!

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CUNEGONDE
Glitter and be gay
That's the part I play
Here I am, oh sorry chance
Forced to bend my soul
To a sordid role
Victimised by bitter, bitter circumstance

Alas for me! Had I remained
Beside my lady mother
My virtue had remained unstained
Until my maiden hand was gained
By some grand duke or other

Ah! 'Twas not to be
Harsh necessity
Brought me to this gilded cage
Born to higher things
Here I drop my wings
Aaaaaaah!

Singing of a sorrow
Nothing can assuage

And yet, of course, I rather like to revel,
Ha ha!
I have no strong objection to champagne,
Ha ha!

My wardrobe is expensive as the devil
Ha ha!
Perhaps it is ignoble to complain

Enough, enough
Of being basely tearful!
I'll show my noble stuff
By being bright and cheerful!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha! HAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa.........

(Parlando)

Pearls and ruby rings...
Ah, how can worldly things
Take the place of honour lost?
Can they compensate
For my fallen state
Purchased as they were at such an awful cost?

Bracelets, lavallieres
Can they dry my tears?
Can they blind my eyes to shame?
Can the brightest brooch
Shield me from reproach?
Can the purest diamond
Purify my name?

And yet, of course, these trinkets are endearing
Ha ha!
I'm, oh, so glad my sapphire is a star
Ha ha!
I rather like a twenty carat earring
Ha ha!
If I'm not pure at least my jewels are!

Enough, enough!
I'll take their diamond necklace
And show my noble stuff
By being gay and reckless!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Observe how bravely I conceal
The dreadful, dreadful shame I feel
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Haaaaaaaaaaa!
Haaaaaaaaaaa!
Haa!
Haaaaaaaa!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha haaaaaa!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

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CITIZENS
What a day, what a day
For an auto-da-fe!
What a sunny summer sky!
What a day, what a day
For an auto-da-fe
It's a lovely day for drinking
And for watching people fry!

What a day, what a day
For an auto-da-fe!
What a sunny summer sky!
What a day, what a day
For an auto-da-fe!
It's a lovely day for drinking
And for watching people fry!

Hurry, hurry, hurry
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Watch 'em die!

Hurry, hurry, hurry
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Hang 'em high!

What a day, what a day
For an auto-da-fe!
What a sunny summer sky!
What a day, what a day
For an auto-da-fe!
It's a lovely day for drinking
And for watching people fry!

What a day, what a day!
Oh, what a day, what a day!
Oh, what a day!
What a perfect day for a hanging!

INQUISITORS
Shall we let the sinners go or try them?

CITIZENS
Try them!

INQUISITORS
Are the culprits innocent or guilty?

CITIZENS
Guilty!

INQUISITORS
Shall we pardon them or hang them?

CITIZENS
Hang them!

What a lovely day
What a jolly day
What a day for a holiday!

What a lovely day
What a jolly day
What a day for a holiday!

They don't mix meat and dair
They don't eat humble pie
So sing a miserere
And watch the bastards die!

INQUISITORS
Are our methods legal or illegal?

CITIZENS
Legal!

INQUISITORS
Are we judges of the law or laymen?

CITIZENS
Amen!

INQUISITORS
Shall we burn them or forget them?

CITIZENS
Get them!

What a lovely day
What a jolly day
What a day for a holiday!

What a lovely day
What a jolly day
What a day for a holiday!

When foreigners like this come
To criticize and spy
We chant a pax vobiscum
And watch the bastards fry!

Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, pray for us!
Pray for us!

INQUISITORS
Fons pietatis

CITIZENS
Pray for us!

INQUISITORS
Davidis turris

CITIZENS
Pray for us!

INQUISITORS
Rex majestatis

CITIZENS
Pray for us!

INQUISITORS
Davidis turris

CITIZENS
Pray for us!

Fons pietatis
Pray for us!
Davidis turris
Pray for us!

Pray for us!
Pray for us!
Pray for us!
Pray for us!

What a lovely day
What a jolly day
What a day for a holiday!

What a lovely day
What a jolly day
What a day for a holiday!

At last we can be cheery
The danger's passed us by
So sing Dies Irae
And hang the bastard high!

Oh, what a day!!

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CANDIDE
Oh...

CUNEGONDE
Oh...

CANDIDE
Is it true?

CUNEGONDE
Is it you?

CANDIDE
Cunegonde!

CUNEGONDE
Candide!

CANDIDE
Cunegonde!

CUNEGONDE
Candide!

CANDIDE
Cunegonde!

CUNEGONDE
Can...

CANDIDE
Oh...

CUNEGONDE
Oh...

CANDIDE
Is it true?

CUNEGONDE
Is it you?

CANDIDE
Cunegonde!

CUNEGONDE
Candide!

CANDIDE
Oh, my....

CUNEGONDE
Dear....

CANDIDE
....Love...

CUNEGONDE
....My....

CANDIDE
...Dear....

BOTH
....Love!

CANDIDE
Dearest, how can this be so?
You were dead, you know
You were shot and bayoneted too

CUNEGONDE
That is very true

Ah, but love will find a way

CANDIDE
Then - what did you do?

CUNEGONDE
We'll go into that another day
Now let's talk of you
You are looking very well
Weren't you clever dear, to survive

CANDIDE
I've a sorry tale to tell
I escaped more dead than alive

CUNEGONDE
Love of mine, where did you go?

CANDIDE
Oh, I wandered to and fro....

CUNEGONDE
Oh, what torture, oh, what a pain....

CANDIDE
....Holland, Portugal and Spain....

CUNEGONDE
Ah, what torture....

CANDIDE
Holland, Portu....

CUNEGONDE
Ah, what torture....

CANDIDE
I would do it all again
To find you at last!

BOTH
Reunited after so much pain
But the pain is past

CANDIDE
We are one again!

CUNEGONDE
We are one at last!

BOTH
One again
One at last
One again
One at last!

CUNEGONDE
One....

CANDIDE
One....

CUNEGONDE
One....

CANDIDE
One....

BOTH
One....
One....
One....

....At last!

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OLD WOMAN
I was not born in sunny Hispania
My mother came from Rovno Gubernya
But now I'm here I'm dancing a tango
Di dee di!
Dee di dee di
I am easily assimilated
I am so easily assimilated

I never learned a human language
My mother spoke a high middle Polish
In one half hour I'm talking Spanish
Por favor! Toreador!
I am easily assimilated
I am so easily assimilated
It's easy, it's ever so easy!

I'm Spanish, I'm suddenly Spanish!
And you must be Spanish too
Do like the natives do
These days you have to be
In the majority

SENORES
Tus labios rubi
Dos rosas que se abren a mi
Conquistan mi corazon
Y solo con
Una cancion

OLD WOMAN
Mis labios rubi
Dreiviertel takt
Mon tres cher ami mis labios rubi
Oui oui, si si, ja ja, yes yes, da da,
Je ne sais quoi!

SENORES
Me muero, me sale una hernia!

OLD WOMAN
A long way from Rovno Gubernya!

OLD WOMAN & SENORES
Mis/Tus labios rubi
Dos rosas que se abren a mi
Conquistan mi corazon
Y solo con
Una divina cancion
De tus labios rubi!
Rubi! Rubi!
Hey!

SENORES
Me muero, me sale una Hernia!
A long way from Rovno Gubernya!

OLD WOMAN & TOWNSFOLK
Mis/Tus labios rubi
Dos rosas que se abren a mi
Conquistan mi corazon
Y solo con
Una divina cancion
De tus labios rubi!
Rubi! Rubi!
Hey!

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CANDIDE
Once again we must be gone
Moving onward to the New World!
Shall our hopes be answered there?
Is that land so good and fair?

CUNEGONDE
In that land across the sea
When our quest at last is ended
Then all our fortunes shall be mended
We shall dwell there
Free of ev'ry care, happy we

OLD WOMAN

(Privately to Cunegonde)

Stripped though we are
Of our possessions, my dear
We shall go far
Through our professions, my dear
If this New World has plenty of gallants
We'll right our balance
Using our talents, my dear

CACAMBO
Go now and save
Montevideo, Candide!
Faithful and brave
Go on your way, O Candide!
You must deter the heathen invader
Drive out the raider
Like a crusader, Candide

OLD WOMAN
You were in a funk
Your confidence was failing
You were feeling sunk
But once again we're sailing

CUNEGONDE
Farewell Old World!
Ah! Farewell, Old World!

OLD WOMAN
I was depressed and my spirits were failing,
All for the best now because we are sailing!

CANDIDE
Shall my hopes for the first time be answered
In that New World?
Oh, farewell, Old World, farewell!

CACAMBO
Yes go Candide
Do as I say
On your way, O, Candide!
Yes, go!

CUNEGONDE, OLD WOMAN, CANDIDE & CACAMBO
AH!...

CUNEGONDE
Though we're deprived save of our sessions, my dear,
We have survived through our professions, my dear
If the New World has plent of gallants...

OLD WOMAN
Ah, I was in a funk,
My confidence was failing,
I was feeling sunk,
But once again I'm sailing,
Sailing,
Sailing!

CANDIDE
In that land across the sea
When our quest at last is ended,
All our fortunes shall be mended

CACAMBO
Go now and
Montevideo, Candide.
Faithful and brave
Go on your way, O, Candide!
You must deter the heathen invader!

ALL
Farwell to the old!
Farwell to distress!
Farewell to the old!
Farewell to distress!
We're bound for the realms of gold!
All hail to our happiness!

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CUNEGONDE
We are women!

OLD WOMAN
We are women!

CUNEGONDE
We are women.

OLD WOMAN
We are women!!

CUNEGONDE
We are women?

OLD WOMAN
We are women!!

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
Little women
Little little women
Are we!

OLD WOMAN
Not a man ever born ever could resist
A well-turned calf, a slender wrist
A silhouette as airy as a morning mist
And a dainty dimpled knee

CUNEGONDE
Ev'ry male I may meet must acclaim for weeks
My twinkling thighs, my flaxen cheeks
My memorable mammaries like alpine peaks
High above a wine dark sea

OLD WOMAN
We've necks like swans

CUNEGONDE
We've necks like swans

OLD WOMAN
And sexy legs

CUNEGONDE
And oh, so such sexy legs

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
We're so light-footed we could dance on eggs

A pair of nymphs from fairyland
and every day in ev'ry way our charms expand!

CUNEGONDE
You may add

OLD WOMAN
If you wish

CUNEGONDE
To that growing list

OLD WOMAN
A mouth so fair

CUNEGONDE
It must be kissed

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
And parts we cannot mention but we know exist
In a rich abundancy
Not a man ever born ever could resist
A pretty little thing like me!

OLD WOMAN
Not a man ever born ever could resist
A well-turned calf, a slender wrist
A silhouette as airy as a morning mist
And a dainty dimpled knee
Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

CUNEGONDE
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha
Haaaaaaaa

Ev'ry male I may meet must acclaim for weeks
My twinkling thighs, my flaxen cheeks
My memorable mammaries like alpine peaks
High above a wine dark sea.

OLD WOMAN
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Haaaaaaaaaaaa
Haaaaaaaaaaaa
Haaaaaaaaaaaa

We've giotto hands

CUNEGONDE
We've giotto hands

OLD WOMAN
Da Vinci smiles

CUNEGONDE
And Mona Lisa smiles

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
We're bravna divina to balletophiles
A pair of nymphs from fairyland
And ev'ry way our charms expand!

CUNEGONDE
You may add

OLD WOMAN
If you wish

CUNEGONDE
To that growing list

OLD WOMAN
A mouth so fair

CUNEGONDE
It must be kissed

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
And parts we cannot mention but we know exist
In rich abundancy
Not a man ever born ever could resist
A pretty little thing like me!
We are women! We are women!
We are women! We are little little women!
Little, little, little, women are we!

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GOVERNOR
Poets have said
Love is undying my love
Don't be misled
They were all lying my love.

Love's on the wing
But now while he hovers
Let us be lovers
One soon recovers my love

Soon the fever's fled
For love's a transient blessing
Just a week in bed
And we'll be convalescing.

Why talk of morals
When springtime is flying?
Why end in quarrels
Reproaches and sighing
Crying for love?
My love?

CUNEGONDE
I cannot entertain
Your shocking proposition
How could I regain
My virginal condition?

I am so pure that
Before you may bed me
You must assure me
That first you will wed me.
Wed me!

GOVERNOR
Well then
Since you're so pure

I shall betroth you, my love
Though I feel sure
I'll come to loathe you my love

Still for the thrill
I'm perfectly willing
For if we must wed
Before we may bed
Then come let us wed
My love!

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JESUITS & WOMEN
Alleluia alleluia
Alleluia alleluia

Alleluia alleluia

CACAMBO

(Joing in)

Alleluia alleluia!

REVEREND FATHER
Come, pilgrims to America

JESUITS
Come, seek the new domains of God

JESUITS & WOMEN
Alleluia alleluia!
Alleluia alleluia!

Alleluia alleluia!
Alleluia alleluia!

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VOLTAIRE
Up a sea-shell mountain
Across a primrose sea
To a jungle fountain
High up in a tree

Then down a primrose mountain
Across a sea-shell sea
To a land of happy people
Just and kind and bold and free

CITIZENS of ELDORADO
To Eldorado
To Eldorado
Eldorado

CANDIDE
They bathe each dawn in a golden lake

CACAMBO
Em'ralds hang on every vine

CANDIDE
All is there for all to take

CACAMBO
Food...

CANDIDE
...And God, and books...

CACAMBO
...and wine

CANDIDE
They have no words for fear and greed

CACAMBO
For lies and war, revenge and rage
They sing and dance...

CANDIDE
...And think and read

CANDIDE & CACAMBO
They live in peace and die of age

CITIZENS of ELDORADO
In Eldorado
In Eldorado
Eldorado

CANDIDE
They gave us home

CACAMBO
They called us friend

CANDIDE
They taught us how to live in grace

CACAMBO
Seasons passed without an end
In that sweet and blessed place

CANDIDE
But I grew sad and could not stay
Without my love my heart grew cold

CACAMBO
So they sadly sent us on our way
With gracious gifts of gems and gold

CITIZENS of ELDORADO
From Eldorado
From Eldorado
Eldorado

KING & QUEEN
Goodbye

VOLTAIRE
They said

KING & QUEEN
We pray you
May safely cross the sea
Go

VOLTAIRE
They said

KING & QUEEN
And may you
Find your bride to be

VOLTAIRE
Then past the jungle fountain
Along a silver shore

CANDIDE & CACAMBO
I've/You've come by sea and mountain
To be with my/your love once more

CITIZENS of ELDORADO
From Eldorado
From Eldorado
Eldorado

From Eldorado
From Eldorado
Eldorado

CANDIDE & CACAMBO
To be with my/your love once more

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VANDERDENDUR & CRONIES
Bon voyage, dear fellow
Dear benefactor of your fellow man!
May good luck attend you
Do come again and see us when you can

VANDERDENDUR
Oh, but I'm bad
Oh, but I'm bad
Playing such a very dirty trick
On such a fine lad!
I'm a low cad
I'm a low cad
Always when I do this sort of thing
It makes me so sad
Ever so sad!
Oh, but I'm bad!
Ever so bad!

CRONIES
Bon Voyage! Bon voyage!
Bon voyage! Bon voyage!

VANDERDENDUR & CRONIES
Bon voyage!

MALE CRONIES
Bon voyage, we'll see ya
Do have a jolly trip across the foam

FEMALE CRONIES
Santa Rosalia
Do have a safe and pleasant journey home

CRONIES
Journey home, journey home, journey home
Bon voyage, bon voyage, bon voyage
Bon voyage

VANDERDENDUR
I'm so rich that my life is an utter bore
There is just not a thing that I need
My desires are as dry as an apple core
And my only emotion is greed

Which is why, though I've nothing to spend it for
I have swindled this gold from Candi-di-di
Di-di
Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-dide
Poor Candide!

But I never would swindle the humble poor
For you can't get a turnip to bleed
When you swindle the rich you get so much more
Which is why I have swindled Candide
Oh dear
I fear
He's going down
He's going to drown!

Ah, poor Candide!

CRONIES
Bon voyage, dear stranger
Hope that the crossing will not prove too grim
You seem to be in danger
But we expect that you know how to swim

VANDERDENDUR
What a dumb goat, what a dumb goat
Handing me a fortune for a perfect wreck of a boat
Never did float, never did float
This is going to make a most amusing anecdote
Never did float, wreck of a boat
What a dumb goat!

CRONIES
Bon Voyage! Bon voyage!
Bon voyage! Bon voyage!

VANDERDENDUR & CRONIES
Bon voyage!

Bon voyage, best wishes!
Seems to have been a bit of sabotage
Things don't look propitious
Still from the heart we wish you

CRONIES
Bon voyage, bon voyage
Bon voyage, bon voyage
Bon voyage, bon voyage
Bon voyage, bon voyage
Bon voyage, bon voyage
Bon voyage, bon voyage

VANDERDENDUR
Bon voyage!!

CRONIES
Dear fellow
Bon voyage!!

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CANDIDE
My master told me
The world is warm and good
It deals more coldly
Than I had dreamt it could
Men must have kindness
I cannot see
It must be me
It must be me

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MARTIN
Humanity? Love?
Huh
Hah
Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha!

Words, words, words, words
I have no words
To describe the vanity of life
The insane insanity of life
I have no words but ha!

Mid grime and slime
Why waste our time

Spouting some spinoza monograph
Even one short Shakespeare paragraph
I'll save my breath, but wait!

There just occurred to me
A word that may just possibly
Apply to all of us
Trapped on this ball of dust

Two tiny syllables
But spiny syllables
One single word
Absurd!

Ha! Absurd
Ha! Absurd
Ha ha ha ha!

Absurd!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Don't make me laugh
It hurts to laugh!
Oh oh
Whoa ho ho ho ho ho!

Don't make me laugh!
Don't make me titter!
All wheat is chaff
All pills are bitter
Nothing to trust in
This worst of all possible worlds
All ends in dust in
This worst of all possible worlds

Any questions?

Don't ask them now
They're useless anyhow

Were you in my position, friend
Were you a humble sweeper
Your thoughts on man's condition, friend
Would be a little deeper

If ev'ry blessed day, my friend
Brought dung and bone and spittle
For you to clear away, my friend
'Twould change your mind a little

Yes, dung and bone and spittle
And mud and trash
And blood and ash
And souvenirs of lust

Ev'ry sort of residue
In process of reduction to
The final state of dust

You'd laugh along with me, my friend
You'd laugh until you'd bust!

Hah!
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Huh.
Heh.
Pphff.
Tchhh.
Nyaah.

Haaaaaaaaaa
Ha!

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OLD WOMAN
I've got troubles as I said
Mother's dying, father's dead
All my uncles are in jail

CANDIDE
It's a very moving tale

OLD WOMAN
Though our name, I say again is
Quite the proudest name in Venice
Our afflictions are so many
And we haven't got a penny

CANDIDE
Madam, I am desolate
At your family's tragic state
Any help that I can give
Please do tell me where they live

I shall look them up tomorrow
And alleviate their sorrow
With a check made out to bearer
In the meantime, buona sera

CUNEGONDE
We've got troubles, as she said
Mother is dying, father's dead
All her uncles are in jail

CANDIDE
It's a very moving tale

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
Although our name, I say again is
Quite the proudest name in Venice
All our uncles are in jail
It is a very moving tale....

CANDIDE
Ah, what a tale!

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
....A moving tale!

CANDIDE
Ah, what a moving tale!

PANGLOSS
Millions of rubles and lire and francs
Broke the bank
Broke the bank
Broke the best of all possible banks

Pieces of gold to the ladies I throw
Easy come
Easy go
Shining gold to the ladies I throw
See them on their knees before me
If they love me, can you blame them?
Little wonder they adore me
Watch them woo me as I name them

Lady Frilly, Lady Silly
Pretty Lady Willy-Nilly
Lady Lightly, Lady Brightly
Charming Lady Fly-By-Nightly
My Lady Fortune found me
What a joy to have around me
Lovely ladies, six or seven
This is my idea of Heaven
Fortune keep the wheel a-spinning, spinning
They adore me while I'm winning!
Lady Frilly, Lady Silly
Pretty Lady Willy-Nilly
Lady Lightly, Lady Brightly
Charming Lady Fly-By-Nightly
Fools love only one or two
Ladies, I love all of you

CUNEGONDE & OLD WOMAN
We've got troubles as she/I said:
Mother is dying, father's dead.
All her/our uncles are in jail.
It's a very moving tale.

Although our name, I say again, is
Quite the proudest name in Venice,
All her/our uncles are in jail

It's a very moving tale.

A moving tale.

A moving tale.
Ah!

CANDIDE
It's a very moving tale.

It's a very moving tale.
Ah, what a tale!

Ah, what a moving tale, Ah!

PANGLOSS
Lady Frilly, Lady Silly,
Pretty Lady Willy-Nilly,
Lady Lightly, Lady Brightly,
Charming Lady Fly-By-Nightly.
My Lady Fortune found me.
What a joy to have around me
Lovely ladies, six or seven;
This is my idea of Heaven.
Fortune keep the wheel a-spinning, spinning,
They adore me while I'm winning!
Lady Frilly, Lady Silly,
Pretty Lady Willy-Nilly,
Lady Lightly, Lady Brightly,
Charming Lady Fly-By-Nightly.
Fools love only one or two.
Ladies, I love all of you,
Love you,
Ah!

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CANDIDE
Is it this, the meaning of my life
The sacred trust I treasured
Nothing more than this?
All of my hope and pleasure
No more than this?

The love I dreamed and cried for
Nothing more than this?
All that I killed and died for
No more than this?

That smile, that face
A halo round it
That youth, that charm, that grace
Behold I have found it

Nothing more than this
No more than this?

What did you dream
Angel face with flaxen hair
Soul as dead as face was fair?
Did you ever care?
Yes, you cared for what these purses hold
You cared for gold
You cared for gold

Take it for my kiss
My bitter kiss
Since it was this you wanted
No more than this

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CACAMBO
I have served on both sides of the ocean
And I've given it all that I had
But despite all my toil and devotion
My poor master is broken and sad
Yes, he's broken and sad

PAQUETTE
I too served in the house of my lady
And in all things was anxious to please
But I now serve whoever has paid me
With the dainties of lust and disease

CACAMBO & PAQUETTE
What's the use?
What's the use?

CACAMBO
You get nothing by trying

PAQUETTE
It just leaves you crying

CACAMBO & PAQUETTE
For things don't work out
What on Earth is this world all about?

OLD WOMAN
At surviving I haven't a rival
A have gone through more lives than a cat
But just what is the point of survival
If the ending is squalid and flat

MAXIMILIAN
I've a worse tale than that

I was born to wear purple and ermine
And to have a luxurious lot
But life's forced me to mingle with vermin
And to suffer as princes should not

OLD WOMAN & MAXIMILIAN
What's the use?
What's the use?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, it's all so depressing

MAXIMILIAN
So deeply distressing

OLD WOMAN & MAXIMILIAN
That things don't work out
What on Earth is this world all about?

PANGLOSS
As an optimist metaphysician
I'm a thinker who never retracts
And I've clung to my sanguine position
In the teeth of the ugliest facts
In the teeth of the facts

You might think that mankind would acknowledge
How I've proven that all's for the best
With a well-endowed seal at some college
But it seems that the world's not impressed

PANGLOSS & MAXIMILIAN
What's the use?
What's the use?

PANGLOSS
This injustice so shakes me
That sometimes it makes me
Cry out, seized by doubt

EVERYONE
What on Earth is this world all about?

MARTIN
You are all feeling hurt and dejected
And you say you've been treated amiss
May I ask what in hell you expected
In a hellish creation like this
A creation like this?

Our existence is cruel and terrible
And it's full of misfortune and pain
But the one thing that makes it unbearable
Is to listen to people complain

EVERYONE
What's the use?
What's the use?

MARTIN

(To Pangloss)

It affects me like rabies
When men act like babies
And pout, scream and shout

MARTIN & EVERYONE
What on Earth is this world all about?

EVERYONE
What does it mean?
What does it mean?
What does it mean?
What does it mean?

Oh what....
Oh what....
Oh what....
Oh what....

Oh what's the use?
What's the use?
What's the use?
What's the use?

MARTIN
Will you please stop complaining?

EVERYONE ELSE
This world needs explaining!
For things don't work out
Tell us
What on Earth is this world all about?

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CHARLES EDWARD
I do hereby make a motion
In hopes of your approval
That after our removal
From this most unpleasant ocean
We'll all say farewell
To vanity and strife
And in some dale (or in some dell)
Pursue the simple life

CANDIDE
What a royal, royal notion!

HERMANN AUGUSTUS
I second Charles's motion

CHARLES EDWARD
I thank you, noble Prussian

ACHMED
Let us open the discussion

THEODORE
Yo ho!

ACHMED
Shhh!

IVAN
Charles Edward's plan appeals to me
What good are pomp and riches?
Let's wash our hands of luxury
In irrigation ditches

I'm sick of plot and counterplot
They never fail to thicken
Let's find a humble rustic spot
And cultivate the chicken

CANDIDE
Ah, what pregnant observations!

IVAN
I thank you for your patience

HERMANN AUGUSTUS
Point of order, Mr. Chairman

ACHMED
The floor is yours, King Hermann

THEODORE
Yo ho!

STANISLAS
Hear hear!

ACHMED
Shhh!

HERMANN AUGUSTUS
We kings live so unpleasantly
Our lives are hard and lonely
Let's form a happy peasantry
For former monarchs only

I'll trade my kingdom for a hoe
My sceptre for a shovel
And make the red, red roses grow
Around our happy hovel

CANDIDE
What a very sweet suggestion

CHARLES EDWARD
I hereby move the question

IVAN
I second Charles's move, sirs

ACHMED
Say 'Aye' if you approve, sirs

Yo-ho!
Yo-ho!
Yo-ho!

IVAN, HERMANN & CHARLES EDWARD
Aye!
Aye!
Aye!

STANISLAS
Ugh!
Ugh!
Ugh!

ALL THE KINGS
We have passed Charles Edward's motion
And now if we can manage
Without excessive damage
The motion of this ocean
We'll all say farewell
To vanity and strife
And in some dale (or in some dell)
Pursue the simple life

Yo-ho!

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CANDIDE
Life is neither good nor bad
Life is life, and all we know
Good and bad and joy and woe
Are woven fine

CANDIDE & EVERYONE
Are woven fine

All the travels we have made
All the evils we have known
Even paradise itself
Are nothing now
Are nothing now

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CANDIDE
You've been a fool and so have I
But come and be my wife
And let us try before we die
To make some sense of life

We're neither pure nor wise nor good
We'll do the best we know
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow
And make our garden grow

CUNEGONDE
I thought the world was sugar-cake
For so our master said
But now I'll teach my hands to bake
Our loaf of daily bread

CANDIDE & CUNEGONDE
We're neither pure nor wise nor good
We'll do the best we know
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow
And make our garden grow

THE EIGHT FRIENDS
Let dreamers dream what worlds they please
Those Edens can't be found
The sweetest flow'rs, the fairest trees
Are grown in solid ground

EVERYONE
We're neither pure nor wise nor good
We'll do the best we know
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow
And make our garden grow!

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