AUSTIN
Brush my teeth in the shower
Shampoo twice.
Clean and primp for an hour,
Old spice is nice.
Then I'm off to Catherine's
I knock on her door.
Right on time like I have every Saturday before.
She's my angel in white.
Another Saturday night in New York.

Then we're off to have dinner,
Drink some fine wine.
Every night I'm the winner,
Catherine is mine.
I'm flying so high,
That I can't see the ground.
They can see me all the way
Down the Long Island Sound.
Our future is bright.

AUSTIN & ENSEMBLE
Another Saturday night in New York.

ENSEMBLE
This city's funny.
When you're in love everything seems perfect.
Cabbies honk their horns
Together in a perfect symphony.

JEFF & NYC MAN
You tip your hat to
All the ladies and they smile at you.

JEFF
Every "Up yours"

NYC WOMAN
And "Screw you"

DIANA
and "Watch it, jerk"

ENSEMBLE
Are in perfect harmony.

AUSTIN
Stop right here, buy some flowers,
Just like last week.

NYC MAN
Yankees won last night,
And the night before.

AUSTIN
For the next couple hours,
Somewhere that's chic.

NYC WOMAN
Billy Joel says he might go back on tour!

AUSTIN
All is perfect.
What could go wrong?
When I die can I
Bring the whole city along?
For this Manhattanite,
Another Saturday night in New York.

ENSEMBLE
Catherine's waiting.

NYC MAN
Let's go.

ENSEMBLE
Ever since you two first started dating,
It has seemed like all of New York is
Laid out just for you.
But then it changes
And all that you know rearranges.
And you start to think
That it all almost sounded too good to be true?

AUSTIN
Another Saturday night in New York!

ENSEMBLE
Another Saturday night.
Another Saturday night.

AUSTIN
I'll be with Catherine for the rest of my life.

ENSEMBLE
Another Saturday night.
Another Saturday night.
Another Saturday night.
Another Saturday night.

AUSTIN
I'll be with Catherine for the rest of my life.
Another Saturday night!

ENSEMBLE
Another Saturday night.
Another Saturday night.
Another Saturday night.

AUSTIN & ENSEMBLE
Another Saturday night in New York!

↑ Return to Top ↑

JEFF
Austin,
Look at you.
You're a mess.
You want Catherine back, for some reason, I guess.
Well here's how...

AUSTIN
How?

JEFF
Pretend you couldn't care less.

AUSTIN
Have you met me? You think I can just move on that easily?

JEFF
You want her back
Now don't you, bro?

AUSTIN
Um, yes.

JEFF
Then there's one thing
You need to know.

AUSTIN
Which is?

JEFF
Forget her.
Boom! Kaput! She's gone!
Women come back
When you move on.

They're fed up with you.
They list all the things that you lack.
So you go out, find someone new.
Guess what? Now they want you back.
That's all it takes.
Oh, what a difference
A little indifference makes.

AUSTIN
Jeff, it can't possibly be that easy. Don't you think everyone would know about it?

JEFF
You see that guy
Cry in his beer.
A girl walks up,
Blows in his ear.
Next thing she's
Taking off her clothes.
His ex has moved on.
But trust me, she knows.

She says, "Let's screw. No strings."
He stammers, "Okay," through his shock.
Suddenly his cell phone rings.
It's her and she just wants to talk.
That's all it takes.
Oh, what a difference
A little indifference makes.

So come on Austin,
Let's hit the town.
Go somewhere loud.
We'll both get plowed.
Hey! It's Jeff! I won't let you down.
Oh, come on Austin.
She's a memory just let it fade.
We'll get each others' backs.
Let loose! Relax!
Who knows? You might even get laid.

AUSTIN
I don't know, Jeff.

JEFF
Come on, Austin. If you go out and have fun, somewhere Catherine will sense that you're happy and come running back. They have a sick sense.

AUSTIN
Sixth.

JEFF
Sick.
So let's go out
Forget the past.

AUSTIN
Austen and Jeff,
Back together at last.

JEFF
That's what I'm talking about!
Listen, it's me.
I'll get us dates.

AUSTIN
Hey, I know this bar
That Catherine hates.

JEFF
Do what we used to do.
But look, Catherine's back for more.

AUSTIN
I'll say, "My God, you're back. It's you.
Catherine, have you met the door?"

JEFF
Yeah, that's all it takes.

BOTH
Oh, what a difference

AUSTIN
What an itty, bitty difference,

JEFF
What a whole life changing difference,

BOTH
A little indifference makes

↑ Return to Top ↑

MARCY
I did the right thing, right?
Of course I did the right thing. Right?
I always do the right thing no matter what,
Cause I do what my heart says,
I follow my gut.
I made the right choice, right?

DIANA
If I were my keys, where would I be?

MARCY
Right, but what if I'm wrong?
And what if with Larry's where I belong?
But my gut said Marcy,
"I know it's tough,
But it's time to end this.
You've had enough."
I made the right choice. Right?

DIANA
Maybe someone stole my keys.

MARCY
At first he was great.
Fun. Galore.
I thought, "He's what I'm put here for."
But I always thought that we'd turn into something more."
So fine,
I'm done dating Larry,
I know I should rejoice.
But everywhere I'm going I still hear his frickin' voice.
Diana, please tell me that I made the right choice.
I made the right choice. Right?

DIANA
No. It's as simple as...
Take your Relationship Length or RL.
First year of RL
Is worth six months recovery.
The second year is worth exactly half that.
Now don't you laugh at
This brilliant discovery.
Each year is worth
One half the lack of mirth
The year before was worth.
Your aches and pains will soon diminish.
So Rebound Time, RT,
Is the fraction of the year
It takes for pain to disappear.
You go through RT, and then finish.
Your RT is important,
And it really can't be shortened,
No matter what you do,
Don't even try.

MARCY
What if I...

DIANA
So you can date around, but then
Those guys will just be rebound men.
That's what Rebound Time is all about.
And it's as simple as that.

MARCY
So I give it time,
Then find the one.
I'm gonna go out and I'll get him
Once my rebound time is done.
I have this picture in my mind
It's as clear as black and white.
He'll be everything I've ever dreamed of.
I'm gonna find Mr. Right.

Yes?

DIANA
No. We still need to figure out your rebound time. You following me so far?

MARCY
Yes. No.

DIANA
Some factors can make
A relationship feel long,
Like how right the break up felt
Or the way that things went wrong.
If you ask me it's plain to see,
That there are three things to consider
When it's all to be configurated.
Your RL it can change,
I know it may sound strange,
But what matters is how long
It feels like you dated.
Your new RL,
We'll call it Adjusted RL,
Or just ARL.
And it's the ARL that changes with
One!
What number boyfriend was he?
Was it low or was it high?
Also known as the Number Boyfriend Index,
Or the NBI.
This matters, it does.
And it's four, divided by three,
Plus the number boyfriend that he was.
Two!
The Who Broke Up With Whom Constant,
The WBUWWC. You with me?
If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths.
If you dumped him you multiply by three fourths.
And number three!
The bitterness factor
Rate the bitterness of the breakup
On a scale of one to ten.
You take that number divide by point five, and then
You get the BF.
And it's as simple as that

MARCY
So what's my rebound time?

DIANA
Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your 27th boyfriend, based on how you are reacting to the breakup I'd say the bitterness was about a five. So, plug all that in...dit dit dit...Carry the one...and...it's like you dated for a year.

MARCY
You know it felt like that.

DIANA
Exactly. Putting your rebound time at six months. Officially.

MARCY
Isn't that what I said five minutes ago?

DIANA
But now it's proven.

MARCY
So I'll give it time.
Begin to heal.
Once I'm done with rebound time
It's time to bring on someone real.
We'll think all the same thoughts
And we'll never ever fight.
He'll be everything I've ever dreamed of.
I'm gonna find Mr. Right.

DIANA
Actually...

MARCY
What?

DIANA
It's not that simple.
Some of my friends got their perfect man,
But just before they got 'em,
They dated the worst man possible.
They hit boyfriend rock bottom.

MARCY
So in order to find my perfect man
I need find someone who's perfectly wrong.
I'm in New York, that shouldn't take too long.

DIANA
You've gotta find Mister Wrong while you're in R.T.
Or you'll repeat this cycle forever
Just like me.

MARCY
I'll give it time.
But first I have to find
Someone who's flawed,
Structured and boring.

He'll have warts of every kind.
I'll give it time.
But then meet Mr. Rebound behind.

I'll give it time.
Otherwise I'll be sure
To go back to the cycle
That I've cycled through before.
I'm sure it won't be pleasant,
But I'll stand strong.

So to find Mr. Right

DIANA

(In counterpoint)

You bet you will.
Don't blow it.
When I was in my rebound time
I blew it and I knew it.
I blew it, God I blew it.
I blew it and I knew it.
Super warty!
Warty, warty, warty, warty,
Warty, warty, warty!
He'll have a bump,
Live in a dump,
Be such a chump,
That if you hump,
You'll need a penis pump.
You're gonna give it time.
Otherwise you'll be sure,
To go back to the cycle
That you've cycled through before.

But you'll stand strong.
And I swear I will be there,
No matter where,
Because I care.
We are a pair,
And we will share
The wear and tear.

BOTH
In the next six months,
I'm/You're gonna find Mr. Wrong.

↑ Return to Top ↑

AUSTIN
I write poetry,
Romance usually.
I'm very romantic,
But...but wait!
I'm tough too,
A romantic tough guy,
Sorta like Rock Hudson,
But straight.

This one time,
I wrote a poem for my ex-girlfriend.
She said,
"That's the best thing I've ever read."
And she's read poets.
Oh yeah, Yates, Cummings, you name it.
She's got all these guys,
Bouncing round her head.

MARCY
She sounds great.

AUSTIN
She has insight that I swear
Could win a Pulitzer Prize.
There's a genius in her mind,
That truly sparkles through her eyes.
She's so smart
Being near her
Makes your intelligence rise.
But I don't want to talk about her.

So, what do you do?

MARCY
I'm a photographer.

AUSTIN
Wow. Okay. What kind of stuff do you do?

MARCY
I try to capture the beauty of the human spirit.

AUSTIN
Hmm.

Speaking of beauty,
That reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
She was gorgeous,
But she never really knew it.
She had this smile,
I swear to God you were blessed
If you had one chance to view it.
She had a look
That could inspire symphonies.
Or cause the most stubborn men
To have epiphanies.
She's as enchanting as Hepburn
In Breakfast At Tiffany's.
But I don't want to talk about her.

MARCY
So, you have an ex-girlfriend?

AUSTIN
I don't want to talk about her.

MARCY
Oh, righ. Sorry. There are some things I don't want to talk about either.

AUSTIN
Okay. Like what?

MARCY
I don't want to talk about
The fact that I
Can't seem to find a single guy
Who meets all my desires.

AUSTIN
That's fine we could...

MARCY
I don't want to talk about
How many men
Have claimed that they would be the one,
And it turns out they're all liars.

AUSTIN
Marcy, don't you...

MARCY
I don't want to talk about
The day when I
Experimented with my girlfriend,
And I almost came out.

AUSTIN
We could talk about that if you really want to...

MARCY
But there's always something missing
Now matter where I search
But that's not what I want to talk about.

AUSTIN
Man, you're kind of a whiner.

MARCY
I'm sorry, but wasn't it you who spent the first half of this conversation talking about your ex-girlfriend?

AUSTIN
How dare you
Bring up the topic
Of my ex-girlfriend.

MARCY
Yeah but you...What?

AUSTIN
Who's gorgeous and brilliant, by the way.

MARCY
Yeah, I heard.

AUSTIN
You know, I'm trying not to think about it,
And you throw it in my face.

MARCY
Throw it?

AUSTIN
Now I'm all upset and it's the 15th time today.

MARCY
Less than I would've guessed.

AUSTIN
I'm not the type
Who runs or who hides.

MARCY
I see.

AUSTIN
I follow my plan.
I follow my guides.

MARCY
No matter how misguided they may be.

AUSTIN
You're wrong.
I know we'll
Be together forever
Besides!
I don't want to talk about her.

MARCY
Obviously.

↑ Return to Top ↑

MARCY
If I added cream to your coffee.
You'd have a panic attack.
Just add a little cream.
Just a little dab of cream.

AUSTIN
No!

MARCY
That's why you take your coffee black.
Oooo, look at you and your thermos.

AUSTIN
What?

MARCY
The one over there on the floor.
Did you bring it from home?
You brought it from home!
You had it when you walked through the door!

AUSTIN
Big deal.
I know how I like my coffee.
'Cause I've got ways I get things done.
I could sit here and list 'em,
'Cause I've got a system.
And maybe it's not crazy fun.
But it works for me and my coffee.
It moves me right along.
There's a neat logic to it.
It's just how I do it.
If you think that it's stupid you're wrong.

So Marcy if you don't mind, I really am incredibly busy...

MARCY
Freeze.

AUSTIN
What?

MARCY
Say cheese.

(Takes a picture of Austin.)

AUSTIN
Agh!
So how do you take your coffee?

MARCY
Well, that depends on when.

AUSTIN
What?

MARCY
I ask the barista.
It's up to the barista.

AUSTIN
Don't ever say barista again.

Doesn't he find out your fav'rite?
Doesn't that hurt your device?

MARCY
No he never does.
You know why he never does?
I never go to the same place twice.

AUSTIN
What?

MARCY
I never go to the same place twice.
'Cause I know how I like my coffee.
And I've got ways to keep things new.
I am always exploring,
So life's never boring,
Well, not as boring as you.
So being crazy with coffee
Is a useful skill to hone.
You don't have to deride it,
Perhaps if you tried it
You wouldn't be drinking alone.

AUSTIN
You wouldn't be drinking al...

(Marcy pours Austin's hot coffee on his hand.)

Ow! That's hot!

MARCY
And it hurt. You knew everything you could know about that cup of coffee, and still, someone came along, and turned what was well planned out into something that hurt. Sound familiar?

AUSTIN
I'm gonna get Catherine back.

(Grabs his cell phone and begins to dial.)

MARCY
Austin, she's going to thing you're insane. Look, the seagull thing...it's a disaster. And besides, it's not done!

AUSTIN
I'll improvise something.

MARCY
Oh, improv. Mark my words, she'll say, "Austin that's nice, but you're kinda freaking me out."

AUSTIN
Catherine, hi. How are you? I'm fine. Listen. I know things are tough, but I wanted to say something.

Life is like a pickle.
It starts off smooth, with no imperfections.
But as it ages,
Surrounded by other pickles,
It becomes something pregnant women crave.
And it craves them.
I love you.

Mmmmhmmmmm. Right. Okay. Talk to you again soon. Take care.

(To Marcy)

I'm sorry I made fun of your coffee.
You're right. I'm wrong. You're smart. I'm dumb.
Please be my cupid.
I'm hopeless. I'm stupid.
I'm worthless, no I am scum!

MARCY
And also, you're covered with coffee.

AUSTIN
I know!

MARCY
Stop flipping out. It's all okay.
This isn't that tragic.
I'll help you. I'm magic.
You just need to do what I say.

AUSTIN
I can't believe you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

MARCY
I'll call you tomorrow.

AUSTIN
I'm going to write you a thank you card like you've never read.

(Marcy leaves Austin in the coffee shop as he begins to compose his thank you card.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

WAITER
She gives suggestions
He'd rather skip.

WAITRESS
She left a fifty.

WAITER
He didn't tip.

BOTH
His style's truly tragic.
Her's is truly hip.
The perfect romance.

WAITER
He likes things simple,

WAITRESS
But she's complex.

WAITER
He follows structures,

WAITRESS
Which she rejects.
He's really only with her
Cause he wanta back his ex.
The perfect romance.

WAITER
They couldn't be less suited for each other.

WAITRESS
I completely agree,
But don't you see,
That's what makes them perfect
For one another.

WAITER
She'll try to teach him
All that she knows.

WAITRESS
They're good intentions.

WAITER
Oh, what are those?
They quickly all go bad
But sadly that's how it goes.

BOTH
The perfect romance.

↑ Return to Top ↑

BARISTA
He likes things structured.

BARISTRESS
She likes to roam.

MARCY
Fate!

BARISTRESS
She tries new coffee.

BARISTA
His is from home.

BARISTRESS
He's never even heard
Of double skim with no foam.

BARISTA
(GASP!)

BARISTA AND BARISTRESS
The perfect romance.

↑ Return to Top ↑

LANDLORD
Get him a whiskey.
Quick! Double malt.

NEIGHBOR
His wounds were bleeding.
This just adds salt.

BOTH
If this goes wrong
It's clear that it's completely her fault.
The perfect romance.
The perfect pair.

LANDLORD
One day they're fed up,

NEIGHBOR
The next day they care.

BOTH
We know it isn't easy
'Cause we both have been there.
The perfect romance.
The perfect romance.
The perfect romance.

↑ Return to Top ↑

AUSTIN
That was
Truly, really, wow.
I let myself feel feelings
I usually don't allow.
It felt exciting.
It felt scary.
None of my vocabulary
Can do justice to the way I feel right now.

Did you see the look on that guy's face when we took the carafe with us?

MARCY
That's not your wine! I'm an angry waiter! Mleh!

AUSTIN
I took off and sprinted
Straight through town.
When you got screwed,
I didn't take it sitting down.
I did all sorts of things
I wouldn't usually do.
And it's all because of you.

Because of you.
Because of you.

MARCY
You just brought that restaurant
To its knees.
Now the whole world
Knows that waiter's not Chinese.
I didn't have to pay them
For my Szechwan tofu.
And it's all because of you.
Because of you.
Because of you.

AUSTIN
Because of you,
I acted out of line.

MARCY
Because of you,
We just stole some free boxed wine.

AUSTIN
Because of you I acted bravely

MARCY
And a little infantile.

AUSTIN & MARCY
Because of you
I feel a way
That I have not felt in a while.

AUSTIN
I can't believe that I got
In a drunken fight.

MARCY
You stood up for me,
When it wasn't polite.
Tonight, I had a good time
And that's a little disconcerting.

AUSTIN
Tonight, for just a moment
I forgot that I was hurting.
Tonight I felt free.

MARCY
You know, I sorta felt that too.

AUSTIN
And it's all because.

MARCY
It's all because.

↑ Return to Top ↑

DIANA
We go out in the evening,
We catch a movie, dinner too.
We hang out with our buddies,
The way two good friends do.
We just say good night,
And that's all right,
If that's all right with you.
Friendship's where this ends,
'Cause we're just friends.

JEFF
Who also make out.

DIANA
Friends are like an old shirt,
That always makes you smile.

JEFF
It makes you feel all fuzzy inside,
But it gets dirty once in a while.

DIANA
A friend does to you
What you do unto them,
Like Jesus recommends.

JEFF & DIANA
And we want to be good boys and girls,
So that's why we're just friends...
With benefits.

DIANA
We each do our own thing,
'Cause we're not dating, and that's fine.

JEFF
But every couple of evenings,
Our things will intertwine.

DIANA
If you're friends, I guess,

JEFF
A little caress,

DIANA
Or cunnilingus doesn't cross the line.

JEFF
No!

JEFF & DIANA
Friendship's where this ends,
'Cause we're just friends.

JEFF
Who use chocolate syrup on each other in ways you never thought of before.

DIANA
Sure!

JEFF
We'll be honest when we're in the bedroom.

DIANA
I'll tell you if you're too fast or too slow.

JEFF
Thank you!
People say this way doesn't work.

JEFF & DIANA
But I know that's not so.

JEFF
If I suck, I wanna know!

JEFF & DIANA
We will keep this our little secret.
Why explain what can't be explained?
We don't need a defense,
'Cause this all makes perfect sense.
In fact, it'd be stranger if we abstained.
We won't let this get weird.

JEFF
I'll stand hard.

DIANA
I'll stay resolved.

JEFF
I won't take you for granted.

DIANA
I won't get emotionally involved.

JEFF & DIANA
I have lots of friendships, but this one transcends
All the ones in which I don't get laid.
And that's why we're just friends...
With benefits.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
And that's why we're just friends...

DIANA
Who see each other naked!

JEFF & DIANA
La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
And that's why we're just friends,
Just friends,
Just friends,
Just friends!

↑ Return to Top ↑

AUSTIN
I can't let my romantic side get the better of me.
We're just friends, who really like one another.
We just happen to end up doing what two
Really good friends do.
Like a crossword,
Or a puzzle,
Or each other.
Things aren't any different now
Than they ever were before.
This doesn't mean,
It couldn't mean,
Anything more.

After Catherine
I never thought I could feel this way again.
She was my one and only,
And of those there can be only one.
But then what do I make of Catherine
Who forgets what we had back then?
I was her one and only,
But now it's ended. It's over. It's done.

Maybe I'm stupid
To hold on now to this ideal.
And maybe I'm crazy
To feel the things that I now feel.
But maybe, with Marcy,
I've found something real.
And maybe, maybe, maybe
Maybe we just made love.

That can't be right.
There's no way I could've recovered so fast.
She must just be a rebound.
Even Jeff said so, and he's right.
I'm just setting myself up, yet again,
For a flawed romance that'll never last.
This will never work out.
But what do I know? Who knows? It might.

Maybe I'm foolish
And deserve the pain that all this brings.
Or maybe she's using me,
And I'm imagining all these things.
Or maybe it's a puppet show,
And I'm failing to see all the strings.
But maybe, maybe, maybe
Maybe we just made love.

How can a feeling this strong be wrong?
It can't. Emotion this pure must be right.
How can ignoring my gut be the best thing to do?
It can't. I need her and I'm gonna tell her so tonight.

Maybe I'm risking my whole life
And can't see what's at stake
Or maybe I'm wreckless
And we're running right towards more heartache.
Maybe I'm wrong and we just made a huge mistake.
But maybe, maybe, maybe,
I'm definitely positive
That maybe, maybe, maybe,
Yes I've never been more certain
That maybe, maybe, maybe,
Maybe we just made love.
We just made love.
We just made love.
We just made love.

↑ Return to Top ↑

MARCY
Stop there Austin. Hold it. Freeze.
Give me a second. Would you, please?
You said a lot there.
And I'm just not there.
I need to think.
Your honesty is real and it appeals to my emotions.
Which is great, but I'm sure
Now's not the time for
Romantic notions.

AUSTIN
But Marcy, I love you.

MARCY
I want true love some day,
But just not now.
A picket fence cliché,
But just not now.
How can I make you see
Though this feels right to me,
Now's not the time to be
Quite where you are?

You're here too soon.
And though I know it sounds unfair,
If you would wait for me,
I swear, I'll meet you there.
I need some time to heal.
And though your love seems real,
I'm not prepared to feel
The way you do.

Let's take this time.
We'll wait it out,
Or else we'll crash and burn.
I'm lost and I don't know
What true love's all about.
Please give me time to learn.

I want so much to say,
"Okay, I love you too."
I will but not today.
You know. I know you do.
And though it's hard you must
Control your heart, and trust,
I want to be with you
Just not now.

Austin, say something.

AUSTIN
Not now. And not ever again.

↑ Return to Top ↑

MARCY
Just not now?
Then when?
When will I get to see him again?
Is it just that he's gone,
And I'm forced to be without him,
That makes it so I can't stop thinking about him?

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Remember that night when I met you,
When you both hung out here in the bar?
I said to my friend there, "I bet you
Those two they won't make it too far."
He could have discussed any topic.
He could have chosen baseball, football, croquet.
So why'd he have to choose her?
What a lame pathetic loser.
You don't need him anyway.

Alone.
You are better off.
Trust me it's true.
You don't need him there
To always care
About every little thing that you do.
Alone,
Means that your life plans
Aren't always set in stone.
Trust me,
You're better off alone.
Right?

MARCY
Yeah, sure.

BARTENDER
Hey! You ready to go?

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
This is my friend...

MARCY
Marcy.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Marcy is rediscovering single-hood.

BARTENDER
Oh, welcome back.

Maybe one night you were thinking,
"I'll stay-in and give Nietzsche a stab.
Then again I could just go out drinking
'Til I puke in the back of a cab."

MARCY
He would say, "Marcy that's stupid.
You are better than that."

BARTENDER
But hey,
Now his opinion doesn't matter.

Go ahead and do the latter.
You don't need him anyway.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Alone.
You do what you want,
Never what he wants instead.

MARCY
Not up each night
In a stupid fight,
When the two of us should both be in bed.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Alone
Means you never swoon
At the smell of his cologne.

MARCY
Cause that's just stupid.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
You're better off alone.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Right?

MARCY
Yeah, stupid Old Spice.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
We should get going.

MARCY
Thanks for the advice.

BARTENDER
We work in a bar. We're basically therapists who encourage you to drink. Good night.

MARCY
One day I might land a meeting
With a man who takes photos in France.
I don't need someone begging and pleading,
"Honey stay and give our love a chance."
I'll go wherever I want to.
I won't stay where I don't want to stay.
I'll leave tomorrow or whenever
And I might just stay forever,
I don't need him anyway.

Alone,
Means I'll never be
So blinded by romance.
I can act on a whim,
Not have to check with him,
Like, six or seven months in advance.

Alone,
Means you're never hurt.
That is what this night has shown.
I think it's clear to see
I'm better off alone.

I need him anyway,
More than any man I've ever known.
Feeling hurt with him
Is better
Than feeling free
Alone.

↑ Return to Top ↑

JEFF
Look,
The two of us will start off caring
All about this life we're sharing.
You and I
We'll be high
Upon the fumes of love.
You’ll laugh at my jokes.
We’ll be as sweet as two cherry Cokes.
And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen.

DIANA
Sounds wounderful.

JEFF
Then I’ll take you out to dinner.
All the while my wallet's thinner.
And I’ll yell,
"Where the hell
Did all my money go?"
But I’ll put off everything,
So I can save for a three-carat ring.
And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen.

DIANA
I don’t care about stuff like that.

JEFF
And I’ll be sure
That’s what I’m for.
'Cause you bring me a joy you can’t buy or sell.
But one night, you’ll ask,
"Do you still love me?
'Cause sometimes I can’t quite tell."

DIANA
Now how do you know?

JEFF
So then I’m caught in this quandary,
'Cause I touch your dirty laundry.
But that stuff
Is not enough
For you to know I care.
Inside I’ll blow like a bomb.
But outside, outside I’ll stay calm.
And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen.

DIANA
Well, maybe if you opened up more...

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
But then one fateful day,

JEFF
Hey, guys!

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
He’ll try to walk away.

JEFF
That’s right!

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
Despite...

JEFF
My misgivings,

AUSTIN
Second thoughts

TAKEOUT GUY
And fears.

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
Then he’ll claim,

JEFF
"It’s me, not you."

TAKEOUT GUY
Though we all know that that’s not true.

JEFF
Then you’ll look at me and burst into tears.
To your...

JEFF, AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
Surprise!

JEFF
I’ll stop and listen.
'Cause no guy
Wants to make a girl cry.

AUSTIN
Boo!

TAKEOUT GUY
Hoo!

JEFF
But then you’ll cry every day.
I’ll pretend it’s a phase.
And then I'll freak out
And end it.

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
Aww!

JEFF
Sadly that’s how this all ends.

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
Oh! JEFF
You will go and tell all your friends,
I must be gay
To walk away
From a perfect girl like you.
Now your friends all hate me too.
But I just did what all men do.

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
That’s true.

JEFF
And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen.

TAKEOUT GUY
It’ll fuck everything up!

JEFF
Now I’m broke and feel betrayed,

AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
And he’s not even getting laid.

JEFF
That sucks.
And that’s, that’s what’s gonna happen.

AUSTIN
Come on Jeff. Bring us home!

JEFF
I know our relationship’s elusive,
But it is better than being exclusive.

JEFF, AUSTIN & TAKEOUT GUY
And that’s,
That’s what’s gonna happen.
Gonna happen, yeah!

↑ Return to Top ↑

MARCY
When you first told me you loved me,
I was more than just a little bit surprised.
But then you left
And I realized
There was something about you,
Something so that I couldn’t live without you.

And even though you’re just a little bit pretentious.
Even though you’re more traditional than my dad.
Even though,
You drove me crazy from hello,
You touch a part of me I didn’t even know I had.
And so,
I need to say I want you anyway
I want you anyway,
Even though,

This might not be the perfect way to tell you.
But perfection never was what I did best.
To months ago I never would have guessed
That I’d compare to you know who.
But now I know I belong with you.

And even though I think your way of life is different,
Even though there’s not a single thing we share,
Even though
You’re not like anyone I know,
You take me to a place I didn’t even know was there.
And so,
I need to say I choose you anyway.
I choose you anyway,
Even though,

The night when I first met you, you were freakish.
Now look at us, we both have come so far.
You’re not different.
I’m not different.
But it’s all together different.
‘Cause I love you in spite of who you are.

And even though
You’re so much paler than my dream man.
Even though
You’re such a dork
And I don’t feel the way I should.
Even though,
I should stop, well here I go,
I love you in a way I didn’t even know I could.
And so
I need to say I love you anyway.
I love you anyway
Even though.

↑ Return to Top ↑

DIANA
He hurt me hard.
He won’t commit.
He doesn’t believe in
Love, not even
A little bit.
I’m questioning the things I thought I knew to be true.
I don’t know why I love him,
But I do.

MARCY
I wanted him,
'Cause he was wrong.
I’m not certain how,
But with him now
Is where I belong.
He's an idiot and a stuffed shirt and a Republican too.
I don’t know why I love him,
But I do.

JEFF
She’s like every woman I've ever met,
Who says casual’s okay.
But they don’t mean what they say.
There’s nothing special about her.
What does she look like? I forget.
I’m certain I’m better off without her.
I don’t need her anyway.

MARCY
I wanted him,
'Cause he was wrong.
I’m not certain how,
But with him now
Is where I belong.
I don’t know why I love him,
But I do.

AUSTIN
Found my love from before.
Then she knocks on my door,
With a pout, and teary eyes
That work on weaker men.
I tried to keep my feelings
From bubbling up again.
I don't need her anyway.

DIANA & MARCY
Why, as soon as you're comfortable,
You know who you are,
You've figured it out,

AUSTIN & JEFF
As soon as you know where you stand,
You've got the whole world
In the palm of your hand.

AUSTIN & JEFF, DIANA & MARCY
You're sure of your ways.
You feel solid and strong,
Then someone comes in
And shows you that you're wrong.

DIANA & MARCY
Why can't I explain

AUSTIN
She's only a woman.

DIANA & MARCY
This aching pain?

JEFF
There will be other women.

DIANA
I'm barely surviving.

AUSTIN
I'm barely surviving.

DIANA & MARCY
Why is he driving me insane?

AUSTIN & JEFF
Why is she driving me insane?

DIANA
All that I know
Says I should leave him,
And go find someone new.

JEFF
I don't need that woman.
All that I know
Says I should leave her
And go find someone new

DIANA & MARCY
I don't know why I love him.

AUSTIN & JEFF
I don't need her anyway.

DIANA
But I do.

JEFF
But I do.

MARCY
But I do.

↑ Return to Top ↑

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Somewhere there are birds
Singing sweet lovely songs.
And a guy tells a girl in her arms he belongs.
People say, "You'll find the one,
If you just look we guarantee."
Well I’ve looked and looked and looked and looked.
But there’s no one for me.

BARTENDER
Don’t I know it.

I’ve searched this whole island,
Queens and Brooklyn,
Even Hoboken.
But for some of us
Our only true guarantee
Is that our hearts get broken.

MARCY
Jersey?

BARTENDER
I got on the wrong train.

Back in the first grade,
I knew this girl.
There was some magic
In the notes that we passed.
One day while playin’ in the sand
I made a move to hold her hand.
She said, "I think that things are moving too fast."

DIANA
Tease.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
One time in high school,
I had a crush.
So I thought I’d ask him out to the prom.
But he said, "Ya know what honey,
Though you’re charming
And you’re funny.
I love you the way a boy loves his mom."

MARCY
That’s not good.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Oh, why do we do it,
Continue to pursue it,
When it ends up hurting us to the core?

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
It’s because though it sounds corny,
You feel love

BARTENDER
Or you feel horny.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
What do we do it for?

MARCY
At least it got better when we got older.

DIANA & MARCY
Right?

BARTENDER
Yeah, right.

I had this good friend that I loved for years.
One day I thought, "This situation must end."
So I said, "I love you truly."
And she responded coolly,
"Oh, I love you too, but just as a friend."

DIANA
Don’t be friends!

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
I met this great guy right here at this bar.
And we talked and talked and talked about life.
Then he said, "My God you’re pretty,
And you’re interesting,
And you’re witty,
You know you remind me a lot of my wife."

BARTENDER
Sing it, girls.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS, DIANA & MARCY
Why do we do it?
There must be something to it,
That keeps us coming right back for more.

MARCY
This thing love it keeps me guessing.

DIANA
This is getting damn depressing.

ALL
What do we do it for?

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
We try and try and try,
It’s as if the gods up in the sky hate us.

DIANA
Sing, Child.

BARTENDER
It’s now so bad that I
Am going on a dating hiatus.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Ooo-hoo, I hear you.

DIANA
I think there is a curse.

MARCY
You know I’m certain of it because.

DIANA
Testify!

MARCY
Just when it can’t get worse.
Lookie here.

DIANA
Fuck me!

ALL
It does.

BARTENDER
I’ll just wait here
Alone at this bar.
With each drink it’s more depressing and sad.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Maybe I should give up dating
‘Cause I feel like I’m just waiting
For a guy to say,
‘You look like my dad.’

ALL
Oh!

We keep at it,
Even though we’ve had it,
And the signs are getting hard to ignore.

MARCY
They’re all saying, "Ha, ha, got you.

DIANA
Love’s for people who are not you."

ALL
What do we do it for?

BARTENDER
All right, you ladies want another round?

DIANA Sure.

BARTENDER
Okay, we’ll just take it out of her tips.

Yes, but then again
You just never know.
In a moment he might walk through that door.

MARCY
And he’d stop my heart from sinking

DIANA
And my head from over thinking.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
That’s what we do it for.

ALL
That’s why we do it
Why we put our poor selves through it.
That’s what we do it...
For!

DIANA
Marcy.

MARCY
Let's go.

BARTENDER & COCKTAIL WAITRESS
That's why we do it.
'Cause those lovers almost blew it.
That's what we do it...
For!

BARTENDER
Last call!

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Who's next?

↑ Return to Top ↑

DIANA
Austin, sit down.

I know you're hurt.
And right now you want to do what comes easy,
And not risk, what seems secure.
You can insert
Catharine right into your ideal life.
But is that what you're looking for?
Easy might be easy.
But you want more.

We all need someone
Who makes us question what we know.
They'll stretch your limits.
If you don't stretch you'll never grow.
We all need someone who can open up new doors.
Jeff is mine.
Marcy's yours.

JEFF
When we first met
I just wanted to get in her pants.
But after a while,
I still wanted to get into her pants.
But then I got in her pants
And I wondered,
"What if I gave this a chance?"
Nothing could have prepared me
For the way I felt,
The way it scared me.

We all need someone
Who sees that we're bizarre,
And love us anyway,
'Cause they see who we really are.
I was lost in a canoe,
I needed someone I love to bring me oars.
Diana's mine.
Marcy's yours.

DIANA
What did you just say?

JEFF
It was just a stupid metaphor.

DIANA
No, you said you loved me.

JEFF
I did!
You're the person I want to be better for

DIANA
You better have meant it and it better not be
Just an accidental blunder.

JEFF
Bull! I meant it.

DIANA
You did?

JEFF
And it feels wonderful.

DIANA
We all need someone

JEFF & DIANA
Who admits that we're odd,
And loves us anyway
'Cause they see through our facade.

DIANA
You'll finally feel as though,
You've got your ducks all in a line.

JEFF
They're wrong for you, even so
Their voice sends shivers down your spine.

JEFF & DIANA
You try to keep them out, but they know,
To look through the tarnish, right to the shine.

DIANA
Jeff,

JEFF
Diana,

JEFF & DIANA
I'm yours.

AUSTIN
Marcy's mine.

↑ Return to Top ↑

AUSTIN
Marcy,
Marcy's mine.
And I'm hers.
And it's true
She isn't perfect.
And that's fine.
But what happens now
To the life I thought I knew?

I had my whole life planned out.
There was no surprise to speak of.
I knew without a doubt
What life was all about.
But now I'm caught because I'm choosing

Between the life I may be losing
And Marcy, who I love.

I try to stay the course.
I think of Marcy and I wander.
There's this pulling aching force,
And I'm certain of the source.
At first I did my best to completely destroy it.
Now I'm starting to enjoy it.

Is this goodbye to knowing my next move?
Goodbye to knowing where I stand?
This change isn't small.
Do I go back on all
I have planned?
And say, "Hello" to uncertain mornings.
Just awake and take it from there.
But I may regret
This choice 'cause I'm reeling.
It's too much to bet
On a whim
That I'm feeling.
Too much is resting on my
Saying, "Goodbye."

But then there's Marcy,
Who sees who I am
And still has the nerve to care.
I know that Marcy
Won't give a damn
If I plan my life out,
Or leave it up to chance,
Or set up shop on the moon.
She'll love me anyway.
So I say,

"Goodbye"
To my expectations.
"Goodbye"
To everything I know.
No rules to obey
So I'll wake every day and I'll go
Full steam into who knows what?
Who cares?
As long as Marcy's by my side.

I used to just do
What was planned and prepared
I wouldn't trust chance,
Because I was too scared.
But Marcy is my reason
Now to try.

So to who I used to be
And the life I thought I wanted,
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye!

↑ Return to Top ↑

AUSTIN
Marcy, look at you.
You make decisions
Without thinking twice.
In fact, barely once.
Marcy, look at you.
You go see a show without checking the listings.
You join a new club each day,
And the next day change your mind.
That once drove me crazy
That that's who you were.
But that's who you are.

I love you because
You're not the person I dreamed of at all.
I love you because
You make me feel like a fool.
You don't do whats expected.
You're handed a rule,
And it's quickly rejected.
And it's easy to say,
"I love you anyway."
But I don't.
I love you because.

MARCY
That doesn't sound very universal.

AUSTIN
It's supposed to be personal. It's a poem poem.

MARCY
Austin, look at you,
With your big goofy smile,
Your freshly pressed shirt,
And constant tie.
Austin, look at you.
You want what is quiet and structured and normal
I tried to say that's okay
But it all came out all wrong.

It would have gone better,
If only I'd said
What you just said to me.

I love you because
You're not the person I dreamed of at all.
I love you because
You have too many reasons behind
Your every move and decision.
You make up your mind
With routine and precision.
And its easy to say,
"I love you anyway."
But I don't.
I love you because.

AUSTIN
People will call us insane,
Insane to love someone who's so clearly wrong.
But now it seems that wrong
Is the right way to go.

MARCY
People will say that we're crazy,
Crazy to fall for each other but
Then again, what do they know?

AUSTIN & MARCY
I pushed you away, you weren't at all
The person I wanted to answer my call.
The things I used to question
I'm seeing anew.

MARCY
I wanted someone like me.

JEFF
Who wouldnt ask hard questions.

DIANA
Who'd share all my thoughts.

AUSTIN
Who'd share all my fears.

AUSTIN & MARCY, JEFF & DIANA
Now all I want
Is to be here with you.

I love you because
You're not the person I dreamed of at all.
I love you because
You push me in a direction
That I thought was closed.
You're the answer to a question
That I never posed.
And it's easy to say,
"I love you anyway."

MARCY
But I won't say, "I love you anyway."

AUSTIN
And I'll never say,

AUSTIN & MARCY, JEFF & DIANA
"I love you anyway."
'Cause I don't.
I love you because.

↑ Return to Top ↑