(In the rear window is a smaller window in a wall with a wall clock. On the ledge of the window are piles of books. Lights up on Gordon working at the piano.)

GORDON
Frogs have so much spring within them.
Jump, frog, jump,
Jump so high you split your tights.

(To himself.)

That bites. That bites.

(He scratches out some lyrics on his notepad. Sings as if he's making the lyrics up on the spot.)

And so remember, boys and girls,
Frogs have so much spring within them,
Jump, frog, jump,
Lily pads are your next stop -

(Thinks.)

Kerplop -

(Thinks.)

You missed the lily pad.

(Screams.)

What the hell am I doing?
Who'm I fooling?
Writing songs for frogs.

Those nasty gnats.
They're nature's little acrobats
I hate them more than kitty cats.
Ugh...

(Just sings anything. Stops playing, fairly disgusted at this inane song. A clock chime goes off, ringing twice.)

Lunch with Rhoda! To be continued.

(Gordon exits. A homeless woman enters from right. Gordon crosses her on his way to lunch.)

HOMELESS WOMAN

(To Gordon)

Hey, mister.

(To audience)

Pennies or nickles or dimes.
We live in perilous times.
Could you spare some change?

GORDON
Sorry, not today.

HOMELESS WOMAN
If not today, when?
Pennies or nickels or dimes.

(Homeless Woman exits. Rear window: ferns. Gordon arrives at a restaurant table where he greets his best friend Rhoda.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

GORDON
Sorry I'm late, Rhoda.

RHODA
Ach, you're always late.

GORDON
I was working on the "Spring Song."
Is he angry
That he doesn't have
The "Spring Song" yet?
I bet.

RHODA
No, he's angry that he doesn't have the "Yes Song."

GORDON
I hate the "Yes Song."
I hate the "Spring Song."
I hate Mr. Bungee and this job.
It's so sad
Working on Mr. Bungee's lily pad.

(The waitress had entered earlier and heard the whole conversation.)

WAITRESS
You work for Mr. Bungee? I love that show!
The specials today
Though not many,
Are especially good.
First the fish of the day:
Calamari
Which isn't a fish
But lives in the sea,
As set in the dish
It happens to be
The fish of the day.
Okay.
Plus there's the ziti
With a sauce that's meaty.
It's fun -

GORDON AND RHODA

(Amused by nothing.)

Fun.

WAITRESS
And there's a lot
And that's the specials.

(As if she had just auditioned.)

Thank you!

GORDON
Well, I'll have the ziti and a diet coke.

RHODA
And I'll have the goat cheese salad - no cheese.

GORDON
Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

RHODA
So what's going on with you anyway?

GORDON
It's taking up the brunt of my time.

RHODA
It's called a job.

GORDON
I don't have time to write my real stuff.
But I feel stuff...

RHODA
You're a mess!

GORDON
I can't express
What I mean to convey.
So, of course, I didn't
Write enough today.

RHODA
If you don't keep writing
You'll be shown the door
You know Mr. Bungee hates you.

GORDON
I hate Mr. Bungee.

RHODA
I think he hates you more.

GORDON
Why does Mr. Bungee hate me?

RHODA
First off,
You've gotta finish a song.
You scoff.
But dammit write the "Spring Song."
Write the "Yes Song."
Don't let your career
Go to the dogs.

GORDON
As you can tell
I don't write well
For frogs.

(Enter Mr. Bungee dressed as a giant frog, which is what he plays on the television show.)

GORDON
Oh, my God, Rhoda. I feel like I'm having hallucinations.

RHODA
What are you talking about?

GORDON
He's not here right now, is he?

BUNGEE
Mr. Bungee is aquatic.
And despotic.
Mr. Bungee's oceanic.
And satanic.
Mr. Bungee's said to be tyrannical at times.
But Mr. Bungee always rhymes.

WAITRESS

(Carrying their order)

I love Mr. Bungee.
Yes indeedee.
Here's your ziti.
I love Mr. Bungee when he makes his scenes.

BUNGEE
Whee!

WAITRESS
I love Mr. Bun-
Did someone order scaloppini?
I love Mr. Bungee.
Here's your diet coke.
And here's your greens.

(Quietly she exits.)

I love Mr. Bungee.
I love Mr. Bungee.

RHODA
First write your song, then next you'll write the epic.

BUNGEE
Oh, sure.

RHODA
First, kid's TV, then next Broadway shows.

BUNGEE
Ha!

RHODA
It's a rocky road from lily pad
To where you want to get to, dear,
But Rhoda always knows.

BUNGEE
Him? A Broadway show? I don't think so!

(Mr. Bungee exits.)

GORDON
Inside me I feel washed up and through.

RHODA
Oh, come on, Gordon.

GORDON
Writing this shit's killed my talent.

RHODA
That's not true.

GORDON
And whatever's left to kill
Then Bungee will
Grind that down to squat.
I used to be -

RHODA
You're still -
GORDON
I was -

RHODA
I don't agree.

GORDON
I once was - but I'm not!

RHODA
Hey.

GORDON
NOT, I tell you.

RHODA
Hey, sit down.

GORDON
Oh my -

(Gordon is holding his head.)

Something is wrong.

RHODA
Gordon, are you okay?

GORDON
Something is wrong.

RHODA
Gordon, you're scaring me.

GORDON
Something is very, very, very wrong.

(He falls face first into the food.)

RHODA
Gordon! Gordon!

(A stretcher is wheeled in by hospital staff. During this, doctors may do a sternum rub as they call his name, look into his eyes, check his blood pressure, check for stiff neck, an EKG, a CAT scan.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

HOSPITAL STAFF
911 emergergency
Take him down to NYU.
Stroke's a possibility.

RHODA

(Trying not to be hysterical.)

I should try to locate Roger.

DOCTOR
Lift him caref'lly on one-two-three.

ALL
And up!

(They lift him up.)

RICHARD
Check the pulse and watch his eyes.

NANCY D.
Call the department of neurology.

RHODA
I should try to locate his mother.

ALL
Somebody try to locate his mother!

RICHARD
When was he last seen eating?

RHODA

(Dissembling, crying)

I don't know.

NANCY D.
Hysterics are self defeating.
Dontcha know?

DOCTOR
Prescence of bleeding.

ALL
Where this...

DOCTOR
Whole thing is leading...

ALL
We cannot say for sure yet.

MINISTER
Is the IV secure yet?

RHODA
Roger's sailing near Martha's Vineyard.

NANCY D.
Patient's name?

RHODA
Gordon Schwinn.

NANCY D.
Are you next of kin?

RHODA
I wish. We work together. He's gay.

NANCY D.
Is he HIV?

RHODA
I can't be absolutely sure but I don't think so. No. The answer is no. I think.

(Singing begins again.)

NANCY D.
First the blood tests
Then EKG.

ALL
And then:

NANCY D.
Get a CAT scan, watch his eyes.

ALL
And then:

NANCY D.
Call the department of neurology.

RHODA
I should try to cancel my therapy.

ALL
And then:

RHODA
I should get in touch with his mother.

ALL
And then:

RHODA
I should try to locate Roger.

(As they are working on a body the audience thinks is Gordon, Gordon emerges from behind the closed medical screens.)

GORDON
All the songs I never wrote
Fizzle and remain.
All the songs I did not start.
All the rhymes I never made.
All the stories I delayed
In telling
Are welling up
Inside my brain.

I should explain
I have so many songs.
I have so many songs.
I have so many songs.

↑ Return to Top ↑

MINISTER
Stories of passion
Stories of friendship
And tales of how romance survives

GORDON
I have so many songs

MINISTER
Stories of "yes"es,
Of frogs making messes
And poor unsuccessful,
And fat people's lives

GORDON
Stories of living

MINISTER
Stories of living

GORDON
Stories of dying

MINISTER
Stories of dying

GORDON AND MINISTER
And ways we can deal with our fear

RHODA AND HOMELESS WOMAN
Oh - oh

GORDON
Stories of horses
Parental divorces
And how rich or poor
It's a very small sphere
Where we appear.

But you gotta have
Heart and music
You gotta have
Heart and music
Heart and music get along

GORDON, RHODA, MINISTER, HOMELESS WOMAN, MOTHER, ROGER
You gotta have heart and music
You gotta have
Heart and music
Heart and music make a song.

GORDON
If I only had the time
What I would write
For your delight

ROGER
Stories of illness

GORDON
Stories of illness

ROGER
Songs of improving

GORDON
Songs of improving

ALL
And everyone talks about change.

GORDON
I have so many songs

ALL
Stories of stillness,
of people not moving

GORDON
And throwing out books
When things turn out too strange
We re-arrange.

GORDON, ALL
But we/ya gotta have

GORDON
Heart and

ALL
Music
You gotta have
Heart and

GORDON
Music

ALL
Heart and music get along

RHODA, NANCY, HOMELESS WOMAN, MINISTER
You gotta have heart and music

GORDON, ROGER, MOTHER, RICHARD, DOCTOR
Ya gotta have
Heart and music
You gotta have
Heart and music
Heart and music make a song

ALL
Oh, you gotta have
Heart and music
Ya gotta have
Heart and music
Heart and music
Get along

Heart and music
Ya gotta have
Heart and music
Heart and music
Make a song
You'll always get along with your heart
With your heart
With your heart...and music

GORDON
Heart and music make

ALL
Heart and music make
Heart and music make

GORDON
Make a song!

ALL
Heart and music
Make a song
Heart and music
Make a song
Heart and music
Make a song!

↑ Return to Top ↑

(The tempo starts out slowly.)

DOCTOR
Brain

MOTHER
Brain

DOCTOR
There's trouble in his brain.
Aneurysm, tumor - we don't know.
CAT scan told us
Lots of fluid
Sits around the brain.
And so
We must operate.
Drain

MOTHER
Drain?

DOCTOR
Gotta drain the brain.
Put a shunt inside the skull
And tube it to the stomach,
Where he'll pee the fluid out.

MOTHER
Pee it out?

DOCTOR
And without a doubt
We'll make it
So we can see
What's going on inside his brain,
Why something is amiss
What's going on inside his brain?

(Doctor's pager rings.)

Whoopsie.

(Reads pager.)

Cerebral hemmorrhage on four. Gotta go.

(He exits.)

RHODA
Don't think of giving up.
Don't think of giving in.
Don't think of anything but...

MOTHER
The invincibility of...

RHODA AND MOTHER
Gordon Michael Schwinn.

↑ Return to Top ↑

MOTHER

(Yells)

Sweetheart!

GORDON

(Yells)

Mother!

(They hug. She sings.)

MOTHER
Mother's gonna file her nails.
Mother's gonna stay serene.
What I mean
Is she'll protect you.
Hey, I'm bringing you a new day.
Okay, I'm bringing you a new day.
And even though it shits,
Mother's gonna fix things.
Try to keep your wits.
Mother's gonna make things fine.

GORDON
Ma. It's not like when I broke my arm. So drop the happy face. Okay?

MOTHER
In the darkest
Of dark despair
I'll be found
Sitting there

GORDON
Ma!
If you want me to say life's fair
That is something I can't say.

MOTHER
Anyway...
Mother's gonna drink champagne.
Ma will help you beat the odds.
She'll explain why she's so damn blase
Because I'm bringing you a new day.
Yes, I'm welcoming a new day.
And mother will attend.
Mother's gonna fix things.
Mother's gonna mend.
Mother's gonna make things fine.

GORDON
This cannot change, Mother.
It's strange, Mother.
But this thing's outside our control.
This whole rig'marole
Is a joke I don't understand.

MOTHER
Nothing's stronger than mother

GORDON
That's the way things were pre-war

MOTHER
Nothing's tougher than mother

GORDON
This is now and there's before

MOTHER
No one fights as hard
When something's in the way

GORDON
My world has changed
In such a way.

MOTHER
I'm bringing you a new day

GORDON
She's bringing me a new day

MOTHER
Goddammit, it's a new day
And mother will protect
Mother's gonna fix things
Anything that's wrecked.
Mother's gonna make thing fine.
Oh yes, I'm bringing you a new day.

GORDON
Ma! She's bringing me a new day.

MOTHER
Yes, yes, yes.
A fabulous old, new day

GORDON
A fabulous and new day.

BOTH
And Mother will protect
Mother's gonna fix things.
Anything that's wrecked
Mother's gonna make things -

GORDON
Mother, stop it. Haven't you heard anything I said? You can't just smile every goddamn thing away.

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Where Gordon sees and responds to Mr. Bungee, and his mother thinks Gordon is talking to her.)

BUNGEE
Let's try to grow up before we die, huh?
Be polite to everybody.
Everybody except all your nearest and your dearest.
They love too much and earn your spite.
So never be polite.

MOTHER
Okay, you want me to go? I'll go?

GORDON
Oh, great.

BUNGEE
Be polite to the mailman.
Be polite to the bulldog down the street
Be poite to the man who sells shoes
When he measures your feet.
Be polite always.

GORDON
You know, nobody invited you here.

MOTHER
What?

BUNGEE
To athletes in hallways.

GORDON
Sorry, Mother - I didn't mean you.

BUNGEE
Always be polite.

MOTHER
You're rude sometimes.

BUNGEE
Be polite.

MOTHER
You're rude to me.

BUNGEE
Be polite.

MOTHER
And you're rude to Roger, too.

BUNGEE
Be polite.

MOTHER
And by the way, honey, where is Roger?

GORDON
Where do you think?

BOTH
Sailing.

(They look at each other and shrug.)

GORDON
Goiym.

MOTHER
Roger will be here - as soon as he knows. Goodnight, Sweetheart. Get some rest.

(Gordon leans back in his bed and imagines Roger, dressed like a sailor. Roger enters and sings:)

↑ Return to Top ↑

ROGER
I'd rather be sailing -
Yes, I would -
On an open sea.
I'd stand at the railing
If I could
Feeling wild and free.

The sun is on my neck,
The wind is in my face.
The water's incredibly blue,
And...I'd rather be sailing,
Yes, I'd wanna go sail
And then come home to you.

Sex is good
But I'd rather be sailing.
Food is nice
But I'd rather be sailing.
People are swell
But I'd rather be sailing
Over the horizon.

And...I'd rather be sailing
Yes, I would

GORDON
He'd rather be sailing

ROGER
On an open sea.

GORDON
On an open sea,

ROGER
I'd stand there inhaling
If I could.

GORDON
He'd stand there inhaling

ROGER
Feeling wild and free

GORDON
Feeling wild and free.

ROGER
The sun is on my neck
The wind is in my face

BOTH
The sea is incredibly blue,

ROGER
And I'd rather be sailing
Yes I'd wanna go sail
And then come home to you.

I'd rather be sailing
Yes, I'd wanna go sail
And then come home to you.

↑ Return to Top ↑

NANCY D.
Hello? Hello! Wake up - hello!
I'm Nancy D.
The thin nurse.

RICHARD

A large man)

I am the nice nurse.
If I can help you
Please, let me help you
'Cause the others won't help you.
(Those bitches...)

NANCY D.
Before the procedure tomorrow
The doctor asked me to take a family history today
Okay?

MOTHER
Gordon, that unpleasant nurse says we have to give them a family history before the prodcedure.

GORDON
You do it.

(Mother looks at the clipboard and begins shaking her head yes and checking things off.)

MOTHER
Heart disease...obesity...mental illness...obsessive/compulsive behavior...
Anything that's wrong is his father's.

ALL
Anything that's wrong is his father's.

(Gordon, in his wheelchair, leads this oom-pah band of minstrels.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

GORDON

(Spoken.)

Uh-1-2-Uh-1-2-3-4

RICHARD AND DOCTOR
Bum ba bum bum ba bum bum ba bum ba bum
Bum ba bum bum ba bum

NANCY D., MINISTER, HOMELESS WOMAN, RHODA
Bah-dow!

RICHARD AND DOCTOR
Bum ba bum bum ba bum bum ba bum ba bum
Bum ba bum bum ba bum

LADIES
Bah-

MINISTER
The bad trait
Will always predominate
Bad trait
Is certain to win.
The bad trait
Will always predominate.

ALL
That is the law of genetics.

MINISTER
According to Schwinn.

RICHARD AND DOCTOR
Bum ba bum bum Ba bum
Bum ba bum ba bum
Bum ba bum bum Ba bum
Bum bum bum bum

LADIES
Smart or dumb?

MINISTER AND DOCTOR
The dumb will predominate

LADIES
Fat or thin?

MINISTER AND DOCTOR
The fat will predominate

LADIES
Lazy or not lazy?

MINISTER AND DOCTOR
The lazy will predominate.

LADIES
We have

MEN
We have

ALL
Lousy aesthetics

MINISTER
The bad trait
Will always predominate
Bad trait
Is certain to win.
The bad trait.
Will always predominate

ALL
That is the law of genetics
According to Schwinn.

ALL
Bum ba bum ba bum
Bum ba bum bum ba bum
Bum ba bum ba bum

RHODA
Why is the smart son
Always the gay son?

ALL
Schwinn's second law of genetics!

LADIES
Smart or dumb?

MINISTER AND DOCTOR
The dumb will predominate

LADIES
Fat or thin?

MINISTER AND DOCTOR
The fat will predominate

LADIES
Lazy or not lazy?

MINISTER AND DOCTOR
The lazy will predominate.

LADIES
We have

MEN
We have

ALL
Lousy aesthetics

RICHARD AND DOCTOR
Bum ba bum bum ba bum
Bum ba bum ba bum
Ba ba bum bum
Ba bum
Ba bum
Badow!

HOMELESS WOMAN
Say your father has a stomach -

ALL
Bum ba bum bum ba bum

HOMELESS WOMAN
You are sure to get that stomach.

RHODA AND NANCY D.
It's a simple fact of science.

MINISTER AND HOMELESS WOMAN
Don't rely on self-reliance.

NANCY D., MINISTER, HOMELESS WOMAN, RHODA
You are sure to get that stomach so eat, eat, eat!

MINISTER
Because the bad trait
Will always predominate
Bad trait
Is certain to win.
The bad trait

RICHARD AND DOCTOR
Will always predominate.

ALL
That Is the law of genetics...
That is the law of genetics according to...
That is the law of genetics according to...
G-G-G-G-Gordo G-G-G-G-Gordo
G-G-G-G-Gordo G-G-G-G-Gordo
G-G-G-G-Gordo G-G-G-G-Gordo
G-G-G-G-Gordo Schwinn!
Oh Gordo's Law of Genetics!

GORDON
Uh-1-2-3-4!

MINISTER
Bum ba bum bum ba bum
Bum ba bum ba bum
Anything that's wrong is his father's.

NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, RHODA
Anything that's wrong is his father's.

↑ Return to Top ↑

GORDON
Ponies in the sun
The race is soon beginning
My family bet the family fortune
On a sleek brown horse.
My father had a hunch
We gave up lunch.
So Daddy could make a wager.
Ma would scoff.

(A curtain reveals everyone but Gordon standing behind a row of walkers, like bettors at a racetrack.)

She would scoff, Hear her scoff.
And they're off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la la la la la la la!

GORDON
Yeah, they're off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la la la la la la la!

GORDON
And they move in a herd
Like a four-letter word
And they're off

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la!

GORDON
Tickets float
To the ground.
And the band starts to play
As the horses go 'round.

ALL
And they're off!

GORDON
Mommy sat and cried
But Dad was unaffected
He said,
"Have you ever had a better two minutes
In the last three years?"
We said, "But Dad, the dumb horse lost!"
He said,
"Sometimes joy has a terrible cost,
I know that."
Ma would scoff, she would scoff, hear her scoff.
And they're off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la la la la la la la!

GORDON
Yeah, they're off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la la la la la la la!

GORDON
Mommy's biting his neck
As they roll on the deck
And they're off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la!

GORDON
There is blood
On the ground.
And the band starts to play
As the horses go 'round;

ALL
And they're off!

GORDON
Isn't life funny?
People lose money
And have fun.
Betting, of course, is
Hell on the horses
And on families where the betting is done;
It's a joke to believe someone's won.
All they did was fight.
Plus they discussed the weather.
My family bet the fortune
Till it disappeared.
We also laughed a lot.
That was a thing I often forgot
To tell you.
But it's true, yes it's true, it is true
And he's off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la la la la la la la!

GORDON
Daddy's off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la la la la la la la!

GORDON
We get letters from Maine
Where he tries to explain
Why he's off.

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
La la la la!

GORDON
What was lost
Was not found;
And the band starts to play
As the horses go 'round.
And they're off!
And they're off!

(The bettors transform into horses/patients; every person behind a walker racing.)

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
I hear the bells of the starting gate.

GORDON
They are off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
We are salivating as we move it! Moving down the track!

GORDON
And they move in a herd
Like a four-letter word
And they're off!

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
Comming down the stretch!

GORDON
There is blood

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
There is blood

GORDON
On the ground

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
On the ground

GORDON
And the band starts to play
As the horses go 'round
And 'round

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And 'round

GORDON
And 'round

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And 'round

GORDON
And 'round.

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And 'round

GORDON
And around.

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And around

GORDON
And 'round

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And 'round

GORDON
And 'round

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And 'round

GORDON
And around

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD
And 'round and 'round and 'round

ALL
And they're off!

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Tableau: in the room. Gordon is asleep. Rhoda and Mother at his side. Outside the hospital: the homeless woman waits. Roger passes her, looking great.)

HOMELESS WOMAN

(As Roger passes)

Hey mister. Hey you.
Please can you spare me some change, sir?

ROGER
Have a dollar.

(He reaches into his pocket and goes to hand her a bill.)

HOMELESS WOMAN
I asked for change. Change is what I want.

(She ignores the bill and walks away; he shrugs his head and continues. He stops in the hallway. Gordon wears a big patch on his forehead.)

RHODA

(Exuberant, but in a whisper)

Roger has arrived!

MOTHER
Hallelujah!

RHODA
Roger has arrived!
In a suit
Looking fit.

MOTHER
Roger's always damned appropriate.

RHODA
Give him your fear,
Roger is here.

ROGER

(Softly)

Roger has arrived.

GORDON

(Waking)

What the fuck took you so long?

ROGER
No wind.

GORDON
No wind.

(Laughing)

ROGER
Sorry I wasn't here.

GORDON
Hey, it's not like you left after you found out. Did you?

ROGER
If I could do that, I'd be a lot more interesting. Rhoda, how bad is it?

RHODA
They still don't know. They have to take another picture.

MOTHER

(Proud of her medical knowledge)

MRI.

ROGER
Mr. Claustrophobia grows up.

GORDON
I need a new brain.

RHODA AND MOTHER
He needs a new brain.

ROGER
That's not a crime.

RHODA
Listen to Roger.

GORDON
And I need a new body.

ROGER
Well, that'll take time.

GORDON
I need a new brain
Who will I be?

MOTHER
You'll still be you.

GORDON
Am I insane?

ALL
Yes.

GORDON
I need a new brain
Will I be the same old me?

ROGER
You look good.

MOTHER
He looks pale.

RHODA
He looks better.

ROGER

(To Mother and Rhoda)

Go to dinner.

MOTHER
We're not hungry.

ROGER
Roger has arrived.

(As Rhoda and Mother kiss both of them goodbye)

MOTHER
Now we're hungry.

(To Rhoda)

Aren't we hungry?

RHODA
I'm hungry.

(Rhoda and Mother leave.)

ROGER

(To Gordon)

Lean back.
Relax.
Resume attacks.
And sleep.

↑ Return to Top ↑

GORDON
Go.
Look at me:
Just go.
Don't say anything,
Just go.
I can't even
Walk across the room,
Unassisted.
So, go
Go away -
There's nothing left to say.
You won't have to walk and
Hold my
Elbow.
Hell no.
Just go.

(Roger touches his leg.)

Don't.
Please don't touch my skin.
Because up to now I've been
Very strong.
And so heroic
You wouldn't even recognize me.
Go - go - goodbye.
'Cause if you make me cry
Then I'll prob'ly have to kill you.
I will, you
Know. Just go.

ROGER
Sometimes you're a doozy.
Jesus when you talk
I feel so damn woozy
You're so crazy.

(Roger gets into bed next to Gordon.)

GORDON
Only a little crazy.

ROGER
Go ahead and use me.
Make a pass
And I
Will save your -
Ass.

GORDON

(Grabbing Roger's arm to his chest)

Look at me:
Just go.

ROGER
I'm not going nowehere.

GORDON
Don't say anything, Just go.

ROGER
That's a row we'll hoe, dear.

GORDON
I can' even Walk across the room, Unassisted.

ROGER
Later on

GORDON
So, go Go, goodbye - 'Cause if you make me cry

ROGER
Later on -

GORDON
Then I'll prob'ly have to kill you

ROGER
And I'll prob'ly have to kill you

GORDON
I will, you Know. Just go.

ROGER
No.

GORDON
No.

ROGER
Schmo.

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Richard, the nice nurse, comes barging in.)

RICHARD
Visiting hours are over, boys.
Time to go to sleep.
Gordo needs his rest.
Time to go to sleep.
He'll be brave as Zorro.
Must be at his best:
MRI is tomorrow.

GORDON
How delightful.

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Music for "Poor, Unsuccessful and Fat" begins. Minister enters.)

MINISTER
Schwinn: Is that German Protestant?

GORDON
Schwinn is German Jewish.

MINISTER
Oh well, the Lord is kind and all-knowing.

GORDON
Thank you for coming. Thank you for going.

(The minister leaves.)

RICHARD
Time for your sponge bath.

GORDON
Must I?

RICHARD
Honey, I don't want to be here, either.

(Washes Gordon as he sings)

Poor, unsuccessful and fat.
Who would've thought I would end like that?
Surely in no time
You'll be back to normal
In your evening formal.
I'll be poor, unsuccessful
Poor, unsuccessful and fat.
And getting older.

Plus, have you noticed I sweat?
I have a list of things I regret.
Don't tell this story to little children,
'Cause it's gonna scare them,
How I'm poor, unsuccessful
Poor, unsuccessful and fat.
And getting older.
Getting grayer.
Stop me if you've heard this before,
'Cause if you've heard this before
Hell, it's just more of the same

GORDON
Well...

RICHARD
Help me, I'm a player.
Who'll never make it.
I won't make it.
I won't make it.

GORDON
No no no no no no no no

RICHARD
Once I was practic'ly thin.
Now I can eat like I'm Rin Tin Tin.
Soon you'll be back home - a success in training,
I'll be here complaining
That I'm poor, unsuccessful,
Poor, unsuccessful and fat.
And getting older.

GORDON
I am not successful I am not so damn successful

RICHARD
I'm getting older.

GORDON
I am not successful I am not so damn successful

(Bungee appears in the rear window.)

RICHARD
I'm getting older.

BUNGEE
You are not successful.

GORDON
I am not successful.

BUNGEE
You're too old to be a failure.

GORDON
I'm too old to be a failure.

BUNGEE
Your future's looking cloudy.

GORDON
My future's looking cloudy.

BUNGEE
Your sister is a whore.

GORDON
My sister is a receptionist.

BUNGEE
Bet your tush you're unsuccessful.
Don't mean to make this more stressful
Than it's already become
But you're poor, unsuccessful and dumb.
Poor, unsuccessful and dumb and untalented.

GORDON
Ugh.

BUNGEE
Poor, unsuccessful and dumb and untalented.
Almost psychotically grim and untalented.
That's what they say about him - he's untalented.

GORDON
Shut up!

↑ Return to Top ↑

(An MRI is wheeled in. Everyone but Nancy D. helps Gordon onto the sliding piece, then slide him into the MRI.)

NANCY D.
Hello! Hooray!
Get up! Hooray!
Today is not a good day.
Because today is MRI day.
MRI day's the day you feel they bury you alive.
I jive.

The shape, the feel.
An airtight seal.
Today is not a good day.

GORDON
Help!

NANCY D.
Now relax and try not to move.

RICHARD
It only takes forty-five minutes.

DOCTOR
You might not want to open your eyes.

MOTHER
Think calm thoughts.

ROGER
Think sailing.

GORDON
Sailing.

ALL
Sitting becalmed
In the lee of Cuttyhunk
Waiting for the wind to blow.
Waiting for the wind to carry us
Somewhere, somehow.
Sitting becalmed.

(A camera in the MRI begins capturing Gordon's face. The image is displayed in the rear window.)

In the lee, in the lee, in the lee
In the lee, in the lee, in the lee,
In the lee of Cuttyhunk.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

GORDON
This is your idea of a vacation.
What a good idea for recreation.
At least it's sunny in Newport.
At least it's sunny on Cape Cod
At least it's
Sunny in Nantucket.
Oh, yeah, fuck it.
I hate the sun.

ALL
But we are sitting becalmed
In the lee of Cuttyhunk.
Hotter than a pregnant cow.
Waiting for the wind to carry us
Somewhere, somehow.
Sitting becalmed
In the lee, in the lee, in the lee,
In the lee, in the lee, in the lee,
In the lee of

GORDON AND RHODA
Cuttyhunk.

ALL OTHERS
Cuttyhunk.

GORDON AND RHODA
Whew!

ALL OTHERS
Whew!

ALL
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

GORDON
Life is short
Sailing is long.
Anyone got a newspaper?

ALL
Sitting in the lee of Cuttyhunk.

GORDON
Anyone got a crossword puzzle?

ALL
Sitting in the lee of Cuttyhunk.

GORDON
Anyone got an anything?

ALL
Sitting in the lee, in the lee, in the lee in the -

ROGER
Would it kill you to try
To enjoy this a little bit?
This is my favorite thing in the world,
Why are you such an ass?

GORDON
Captain, can we use gas?

ALL
No! No. No...

GORDON

(To Roger)

When you're right, you're right.

ALL OTHERS
Couldn't you try
To enjoy this a little bit?

GORDON
And you're right.
I'm such a jerk-off.

ALL OTHERS
This is our favorite
Thing in the world!

GORDON
Right.

ROGER
Wait, I hear it.

RHODA
Wait, it's coming.

ALL
Wait. I feel the wind.
Whoosh...
Whoosh...
I think we're moving!
I think we're moving!
Not becalmed!

GORDON
Could that be a metaphor?

ALL
Cuttyhunk is in our past.

GORDON
Getting somewhere at last
Is a sign of things improving.

ALL
Not becalmed!
In the lee, in the lee, in the lee,
In the lee, in the lee, in the lee,
In the lee of

RHODA, RICHARD, DOCTOR, NANCY D.
Cuttyhunk.

NANCY D.
We got the picture.

RICHARD
That wasn't so bad, was it?

ROGER, MOTHER, HOMELESS WOMAN, MINISTER
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

GORDON, NANCY D., RICHARD
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk
Cuttyhunk Cuttyhunk

ALL
Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey!

(The MRI procedure is finished. The doctor and others gather around the image.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Gordon is in a wheelchair. The doctor is checking x-rays, then sings.)

DOCTOR

(Looking at the MRI)

Son of a gun, I see it.
Your blood vessel's pinched and coiled
Gordo, now I have
A name for what you have;
And your designation.

DOCTOR AND NANCY D.
Arterial venous malformation.

GORDON
And that is?

NANCY D.
Arterial venous malformation. Just something you were born with.
Veins in the brains are like balloons
Filled with water.
Sometimes they burst.
If worse comes to worst,
Which unfortunately yours did.

DOCTOR
Craniotomy
Is indicated.
Craniotomy
That is what you need.
You must rely on me,
I'm very highly rated.
And craniotomy
Is how I'd proceed.
Right?

NANCY D.
Right.

DOCTOR
Right?

GORDON
Well -

NANCY D.
We should tell him.

DOCTOR
If I'm not exact
I may crush the motor tract

NANCY D.
So the bad news is:
You may never run or hike
Or ride a bike.
Even worse news is:
You may simply die.

DOCTOR
Of course, it's entirely your decision.

MINISTER
It's a high-risk operation.
He can't guarantee success.

DOCTOR
I wish I could.

MINISTER
But you really have no options
So the only answer, more or less.
Is absolutely yes.
He can't guarantee success.

DOCTOR
No one can.

MINISTER
But you really have no options
So the only answer, more or less,
Is absolutely yes.
Absolutely yes.

DOCTOR
And now I have to go.
The kids and I
Have tickets to Chicago.
Well?

(Waits for Gordon to sign. Gordon signs.)

Good.

DOCTOR, NANCY D., MINISTER

(Exciting)

So craniotomy tomorrow.

↑ Return to Top ↑

RHODA
Now that we know what the problem is. We're gonna get it fixed. At least we know it's not cancer. Anyway, you'll be home in no time.

GORDON
Tomorrow,
They'll strap me down on a bed
And remove the top of my head,
Which is why I don't think
That now's the right time
To have too much hope.
I may be a dope,
But I don't think so,
I don't think so.
No, I don't think so.

ROGER
Would you ever
Consider
Lying close to me tonight?
Forget your writing.
I'm inviting you to sleep in my arms.
Maybe we'll laugh too loud
Maybe we'll dance and you will sing.
Maybe we'll smile at all the pleasures
Sex and eating often bring.
Maybe we'll say no words.
Just saying nothing is sublime.
Maybe we'll read a book you always meant to read
For which you hadn't found the time.

(Rhoda's cell phone rings.)

RHODA
Hello?

(She hm-hm's a little.)

Excuse me,
But Bungee's callin to state
How, though he knows you're about to sedate,
But tomorrow at ten,
He needs the "Yes Song."

GORDON
Fuck him.

RHODA
He said no matter what,
He's going to rehearse the "Yes Song."

GORDON
He'll wait.

RHODA
He said his son, "Mr. Music,"
Wrote a verse of the "Yes Song"
He's going to use
If your song isn't finished.

Tonight, then,
Just disregard what he said,
And sit and reminisce with Roger instead.
If you get overanxious, pick up a pen
Finish the song.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But I don't think so.
No, I don't think so.
No, I don't think so.

GORDON
I'd love to love,
But need to write.
I get distracted
So damn easily.

ROGER
Forget the writing,
I'm inviting you
To sleep in my arms.

GORDON
There are other nights
I'll have
To sleep in your arms.

ROGER
And if you snore

GORDON
I should've done
What I meant to do.

ROGER
I'll let you snore.

GORDON
I could've been
What I meant to be.

ROGER
Maybe there's more

GORDON
I could've written
The score to our lives -
Or a symphony.

ROGER
Maybe there's more.

GORDON
A simple symphony.

ROGER

(Simultaneously)

Maybe we'll say no words
Just saying nothing is sublime
Maybe we'll read a book
You always meant to read.

GORDON

(Simultaneously)

A simple symphony,
A simple symphony,
A simple symphony

RHODA

(Simultaneously)

I'm just afraid that you'll lose this job
'Cause Bungee's Bungee
You'll lose this job
You need this job.

GORDON
Look, it's my decision, okay.

MOTHER
Nobody asked my opinion, but: Why don't you tell him His was the best invitation?

(To others)

Why is he making such a scene.

(To Gordon)

While you sit discussing what you've gotta discuss,
I'm off to your place for a date
With Mr. Clean,
I love him.

Lie with the man!
Whaddaya, stupid?
Go and fly with the man -
At least tonight go fly,
While I
Depart in hope
And not in sorrow.

(Kissing all of them goodbye)

Goodbye, my loves, goodbye.
Operation tomorrow.

(She exits with Rhoda. Gordon sings to Roger.)

GORDON
Tonight, though
May be my very last chance
To write a something I could be remembered by...
It may not be a great song.
But it could be my last song
And I hope you'll understand
If I simply kiss your hand.
And say goodnight.

(Roger slowly kisses Gordon goodnight, then leaves.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

(The homeless woman enters in the audience. The music begins and she's asking for change.)

HOMELESS WOMAN
Hey, can you spare some change?
How about you? Spare some change?
Can you spare some change?
Thanks, big spender.
Pennies or nickels or dimes.
We live in perilous times.
I don't ask you to treat me nice.
I'm not asking for pleasant conversation.
I'm not asking for paradise.
All I'm asking for is change.

Hate me, but don't kick my shins.
I'm where your kindness begins.
Please, folks, do not spend time with me.
I won't ask you to treat me like your mother.
I'm not asking for sympathy.
All I'm asking for is change.

Change the government,
Kill the mayor.
It's not fa-ir how lives evaporate.
Change the system
That made us what we are.
I don't ask for hugs.
Just need money to buy more drugs.
And if you folks pay,
I'll go away.

People walk by me with glee.
I am what they'll never be.
I don't ask you to tip your hat.
I don't ask that you notice what I'm wearing.
I could care less for things like that.
All I'm asking for is change.
Change.
Change.
Change.

Pennies or nickels or dimes.
We live in perilous times.

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Richard wheels Gordon onto stage. Gordon is playing a little electric piano, auditioning his song for Richard.)

GORDON
And so, boys and girls, before I hope back to my lily pad, I leave you with one last thought:
Yes is a good word.

RICHARD

(Trying to be supportive)

Go on.

GORDON
No is a bad word.

RICHARD
You're tellin' me.

GORDON
The preferred word
In any kind of situation is
Yes, I can.
Oh, yes, I'd like to do that.
Yes, the world's increasingly absurd.
Yes yes yes
Is a good word
Yes yes yes
Is a very special word.

(To Richard.)

It will be sung,
I guarantee it.
You're gonna see it
On TV. It
Will be sung.

(On the other side of the stage, Bungee is walking in followed by the doctor with a director's chair, nurse Nancy D. as script girl and the minister photographing the whole thing.)

GORDON
Yes is a good word.

BUNGEE

(Delightedly reading the pages.)

Yes is a good word.

GORDON
No is a bad word.

BUNGEE
No is a bad word.

GORDON
The preferred word
In any kind of situation...

(The director's chair unintentionally hits Bungee. He explodes.)

BUNGEE
Don't touch me.
Yes I will do that
Yes I will go there
Yes I will live a good and true life
Yes I'll survive whatever you throw at me.
Yes the world is grand.
When there's a moment,
Grab it and shake it
Take it
In your hand.
Yes I will
Yes I can
Yes I might
Yes I will put up an honest fight.

(Bungee seems very happy with the song. In the next verse, the health care professionals all start to sing back-up, like The Supremes, joined by Gordon.)

GORDON, NANCY D., MINISTER, DOCTOR
Yes I'll be fearless

BUNGEE
Yes I'll be fearless

GORDON, NANCY D., MINISTER, DOCTOR
Yes I'll be honest

BUNGEE
Yes I'll be honest

GORDON, NANCY D., MINISTER, DOCTOR
Yes I will live my life with emotion

BUNGEE
Live with emotion

GORDON, NANCY D., MINISTER, DOCTOR
Yes I have courage
Yes and devotion
Yes I will survive

BUNGEE
Yes I will survive
Yes is the word that
Opens the door to
Being most alive.
Yes there's joy
Yes there's love
Yes there's sing
Yes I absolutely have to sing.
Yes yes yes
Is a good word
Yes yes yes
Is a very special word.
Except when a stranger says
Get into my car,
Say no.

EVERYBODY
No!

BUNGEE

(Getting angrier)

Or when someone says
Would you like to lose
Your virginity?
Someone with whom
You have no affinity.
Say no no no no!

CHORUS
Yes is a good word.
No is a bad word.
The preferred word
In any kind of situation would be -

BUNGEE
NO NO NO NO!
What is this nonsense about virginity?
This is a goddamn children's show.
I never know what you're writing about, Schwinn.
I want a song: Yes, I will do my homework.
Yes, I will work in the garden.
Yes, I will go with my grandparents...to Israel.
Instead, I get this nonsense about someone
Who loses their virginity to

(disbelievingly)

Those with whom they have no "affinity."
A-ffin-i-ty? This is a
Goddamn children's show.
Look, you're sick, you're in the hospital,
You got this brain thing.
But you know what: I'm gonna get my son to write the song.
Where's my son?
Where's my son?
Where's my son?

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Gordon is alone onstage in his wheelchair.)

GORDON
Here I sit
In the middle of the room.
I don't throw a fit
And I don't start crying.
Nurses flit
As they fiddle in the room.
It's a damn charade
That I can't abide.
Froggy came.
Froggy went.
I resent
His appearance.
Splicing veins.
Tricky shit.
That is what he said.
Fact remains:
I could soon be dead.
In the middle of my gloom,
In the middle of my fright.
In the middle of my room,
In the middle of the night.

(On the other side of the stage, his mother sings.)

MOTHER
Here I stand in the middle of the road

GORDON
In the middle of the room

MOTHER
And I'm waiting for a car

GORDON
And I'm waiting for a shot

MOTHER
To come along and kill me.

GORDON

(Yells.)

Nurse please!

MOTHER
People ask why I'm standing in the road

GORDON
I am sitting in the room

MOTHER
And I say, "Because...

GORDON
I'm afraid with what I got

MOTHER
I am frightened he will die."

GORDON
I'll die.

GORDON AND MOTHER
Kill me please
Straight ahead
Make me dead
Get it over
with.

(Mother calls Gordon from her cellular phone. The phone rings in his hospital room. He picks it up.)

MOTHER
I just called to tell you everything is going to be alright.

GORDON
Ma, you sound foolish.

MOTHER
Mother will protect.
Mother's gonna fix things:
Anything that's wrecked
Mother's gonna make them fine.

GORDON
Mother please,
Say goodbye,
Ma, a heart to heart.
When I die,
You can't fall apart.

MOTHER
What a stupid thing to say!
Rather stab me with a knife!
What an ignorant display
In the middle of your life!
The middle of your...
In the middle of your...

GORDON
It's not the middle of my life, mother. I'm dying.

MOTHER
I will see you tomorrow.

(She disconnects. Richard enters.)

RICHARD
I am the nice nurse.
If I can help you
Please let me help you.

GORDON
Richard...

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Mother at Gordon's studio. Coke cans are everywhere, books are piled high. She's putting books in boxes.)

MOTHER
Clean and polish.
Mop and glo
His studio
Till all is gleaming.
Firmly, I'll demolish
Any sort of mayhem in this place.
Ah-ah
O God
What a mess.
Books scattered all over.
I don't want to guess
How long he'll live
Or if he'll live.
He better live.
Stupid books.
All his reading...
His brain's bleeding -
I know why.
'Cause of books.
They have made his brain explode.
Damn these books.
So much flotsam.
I could plotz, am
I distressed? (You betcha)
Who'd have guessed
Books would make his brain explode?
Book called "Mother Courage"
Always about mothers.
What about the others?
Fathers and the brothers?
Throw it out.
Here's "A Mother's Kisses."
Always it's the missus.
Never it's the tateh.
Literary schmata.
Throw it out.
If I don't throw out the books,
I will throw myself out the window.
Asshole.
Yessir, he's an asshole.
How can he just sit there
Thinking he will die.
Asshole.
Where's his fight and vigor?
This then is my rigor-
Ous reply.
Book by Norman Mailer.
Tough guy.
Throw it out.
Egotistic Jew.
"How to Meet A Sailor."
Good son.
Throw it out.
What's a mom to do?
"Search for Warren Harding."
Who's he?
Show him out.
I just keep discarding.
You'll see -
Throw it out.
And you'll come through.
Here's what you do.
Throw it out.
I trust
He won't see me crying.
I'll keep on denying
What's becoming clear.
It's just -
Even though he's dying
He will see me laugh and joke and sneer.
Throwing out is petty
Which I must admit,
But it's deeply felt.
Still I'm getting ready
To deal with the shit
I've been lately dealt.
Bye bye goes his trollope!
Bye-bye!
Life sure packs a wallop
Which I won't deny!
But we'll come through.
Here's what we'll do:
Throw it out.
Long live what's mine.
Screw all of Gertrude Stein.
Throw.
Throw.
Throw.
Throw.
Throw it out!

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Gordon is lying on his hospital bed.)

GORDON
Here I lie
In the middle of the night,
And I have to try
To not think I'm dying.
Nurses sigh
As they welcome in the light.
And I ask them why
They're not being mean.
Six-fifteen,
Quarter of;
I send love
Every which way.
Eight o'clock,
Half past nine,
Surgery's delayed.
I recline.
Not a bit dismayed.
In the middle of my brain,
In the middle of the sky,
I would like to entertain,
But I'll merely say goodbye.

(During the music, orderlies transfer Gordon from the bed to a gurney and wheel him from the room.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

(In the rear window, buildings change to street level. The homeless woman starts on the stairs in the theatre and speaks to Roger onstage. She quickly moves onstage.)

HOMELESS WOMAN
Hey mister!
Hey you!
What are you lookin' so sad for?

ROGER
Nothing, really nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
How about some money?

HOMELESS WOMAN
I can't refuse
I need new shoes.
And some pants.
I need romance.
What about you?

ROGER
Tonight
After eight long hours
He appeared
It was worse than the doctors had feared.
And then the doctor said:
I hoped by now he'd be awake
At least I thought he'd be awake...
My mistake.

Then I prodded him and poked him.
And his mother started crying.
And then Rhoda started yelling at the nurse.
It was a really lousy day in the universe.

HOMELESS WOMAN
You love him.
Too bad.
What are you looking surprised for.

ROGER
We hoped things would turn out better.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Things don't get better.
They only seem to.
Then they don't.
Don't be surprised
When life turns out to be
A trashy old catastrophe and...

(She sees him sobbing.)

Hey, mister.

(She kind of hugs him.)

It's all right.
Life is a rotten occasion.

ROGER
Let me give you some money.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Please forget the money.
Please do not insult me.
I'm not amused.

ROGER
But it's therapy.

HOMELESS WOMAN
I give therapy for free.
I'm just glad to have a client finally.

ROGER
So I called his name and hugged him
But the jerk is in a coma,
And his mother hopes he dies if he gets worse.
It was a really lousy day in the universe.

HOMELESS WOMAN
They all are.
They all are.

(They leave the stage with her arm draped around his back.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

(The beginning of the coma dream sequence; in the rear window is a mockup of Gordon lying in bed with his hair wrapped in bandages. He appears on the stage with his hair wrapped as in the mockup.)

GORDON
Brain dead.
That's what I am, lying here.
I'm brain dead.
What a mess I got us into.
Brain dead.
Everybody's setting off alarms.
Baby, maybe, lift my head.
I see
I just pulled a doozie.
Don't ask: Why me?
Roger, pass the uzi.
As the M.D.
Lifts me in his cruisy
Chiseled arms.
Brain dead.
Stupid and thoughtless
Is what I am.
'Cause I'm brain dead
And God damn.

(Roger enters and they dance a tango during the next verse.)

Brain dead.
Dressed up and we're chatting
And I'm brain dead.
You deserve an explanation.
Brain dead.
Sitting in this restaurant tonight.
Waiter -
Later.
Please we're talking.

ROGER
I said:
"You have limitations, darling."

GORDON
Instead
Scream your accusations.
Don't be well bred
Life ain't always happiness and light.
I thought
If I could finish
A song or five,
I'd be brain dead
But alive.

(More tango. Gordon dances Roger near to the wings. The dance changes into a Greek step dance with the entire cast following Roger in a line, hands above their heads, stepping smartly.)

GORDON
Last scene:
Ev'rybody's dancing.
I take codeine.
Lovers start romancing.
There's a bright green
Thing between your teeth, dear.
Please don't smile.
Waiter -
Later,
Please we're fighting.
Crash! Bang!
At this speed it's stimulating.
Crash! Bang!
I'm out here hallucinating.
Crash! Bang!
Actually I'm going out in style.
That said:
Please someone kill me
If I survive,
'Cause I'm brain dead
And a-

(Rhoda sits on Gordon's lap like she's a puppet. He's a bad ventriloquist mouthing the words as Rhoda sings along.)

↑ Return to Top ↑

RHODA
Whenever I dream
I dream pornographically explicit.
I dream I'm a horse,
Which is prob'ly a penis,
But is it?
Is it?
I don't know.
Things that I think mean one thing
Sometimes do, sometimes don't.
The world is a confusing place to live in.
But what I mean is
We get by.
In my dreams I'm always up and walking.
Self-assured, self-deceived,
Not about to die.
But when I wake it's gone.
And then I carry on.
Whenever I dream,
I don't dream that I'm writing something tawdry
I write about how I'm a cow
Then I become my cousin Audry.
Tawdry?

GORDON
Yes it is.

RHODA
Things that I think mean one thing
Sometimes do, sometimes don't.
The world is:

(Gordon drinks some water and Rhoda garbles the next line.)

Confusing place to live in.

But out there no one understands.
In my dreams I'm all composed, composing.
At the keys, symphonies
Drip from these two hands;
But when I wake it's gone.
And then I carry on.

(This gradually gets more spastic and out of control.)

Whenever I dream
Whenever I laugh
Whenever I spring
Whenever I eat
Whenever I spring
Whenever I fart
Whenever I spring
Whenever I dream
Whenever I dream
Whenever I dream
Whenever I dream
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya

Whenever I dream
Whenever I laugh
Whenever I spring
Whenever I eat
Whenever I spring

Whenever I fart
Whenever I spring
Whenever I dream
Whenever I dream
Whenever I dream
Whenever I dream
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Sort of an Aretha with the Pips)

RICHARD
I'm eating myself up alive.
Learning to drink
Biting my finger.
Eat eat eat eat
Eating myself up alive.
I'm eating myself up alive.
Memories stink
Memories linger.
Eat eat eat eat
Eating myself up alive.
Where the hell's my sense of humor?
Where the hell's my drive?
Watching TV
Tossing in bed
Eating myself up alive.

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
Eating myself up

RICHARD
Tell me the truth -
Was it something I said?
Eating and eating and
Eating myself up alive.

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat

RICHARD
Eating myself up alive

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat

EVERYBODY
Eating myself up

RICHARD
It's awful to always be nice

GORDON
Sometimes I fail

RICHARD
Sometimes it's stinky
Eat eat eat eat
Eating myself up alive

I'm paying a horrible price
Biting the nail
Off of my pinky.
Eat eat eat eat
Eating myself up alive.

If I've lost my sense of humor
How will I survive?
Grinding my teeth
Throwing a fit
Eating myself up alive.

Is there a food we adore
More than chocolate?
Eating and eating and
Eating myself up alive.

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat

RICHARD
Eating myself up alive

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat
Eat eat eat

RICHARD

(Shouts)

Spell it!

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
E-a-t-i-n-g
M-y-s-e-l-f
U-p
A-l-i-v-e

RICHARD
Alive -

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.
ALIVE!
E-a-t-i-n-g
M-y-s-e-l-f
U-p
A-l-i-v-e

RICHARD
Alive -

HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, NANCY D.

(Simultaneously)

ALIVE!
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,
Eating myself up,

RHODA

(Simultaneously)

Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Ya ya ya ya
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,
Dream,

GORDON

(Simultaneously)

Brain dead.
What the hell is going on?
Brain dead.
I don't think I like it here.
Brain dead.

ROGER

(Simultaneously)

Brain dead.
Brain dead.
Brain dead.
Brain dead.
Brain dead.

RICHARD
Eating and eating and
Eating and eating and
Eating myself up alive!

1-2-3-Spell it!

↑ Return to Top ↑

(A begowned Mother in a romantic concert sing.)

MOTHER
I had a son.
He was one
Of a kind.
Son-of-a-gun -
We were too intertwined.
I look damn good in a hat.
My black dress hides the fat.
I don't want sympathy.
He was here and now he's gone.
The music still plays on.

(Looking at Gordon playing the piano.)

I see the keys.
And I freeze:
No surprise.
This is how he thinks
I'll be
When he dies.
I'll be gracious and aloof;
Or I'll climb on the roof
Shouting obscenities.
He was here and now he's gone,
The music still plays on.
The music still plays on and on and on and on
Loud and fast and clear.
The music still plays on and on and on and on
Even though you're not here,
My dear.
Married too young,
I was brash, I was bold.
Married to young
And divorced far too old.
Husband's sleeker than a horse;
He rears and flies off course.
I liked his pedigree.
Love is here and then it's gone.
The music still plays on.
The music still plays on and on and on and on -
As my men depart.
The music still plays on and on and on and on
Transmitted through
My foo-
Lish heart.
So stay away.
I'm okay,
I'm ahead.
What came to pass -
One's an ass
One is dead.
Love is stupid and it bleeds.
It satisfies my needs.
I think it's wonderful.
Once it was wonderful.
Love is here and then it's gone.
The music still plays on.
They were here and now they're gone.
The music still plays on and on and on.

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Mr. Bungee enters on his scooter. He turns to the audience.)

BUNGEE
Hey, there, little tadpoles. Kerplop! Aren't we having a fungee-bungee good time. Come on, let's hip hop over to my own little lily pad on this dark and miserable morning, at least it's dark and miserable here, and maybe it's dark where you are too. Uh-oh. Looks like somebody hasn't been listening to Mr. Bungee.

(Bungee has seen Gordon lying in his coma; Bungee sings to him.)

When you wanna quit
'Cause nothing works -
Dont give in.
Quitting is the specialty of jerks -
Dont give in.
Simply keep your focus
On what lies ahead.
Don't play games.
Don't play dead.
Begin.
Those who are marking time,
Wake up.
Life is a cause that you have to take up.
Don't give in.

(Gordon wakes up and joins Mr. Bungee who no longer seems toxic.)

When you think you're dying,
Well you ain't.
All you need's another coat of paint.
Don't give in.
Fix-a-this and fix-a-that
And you'll surmise
No more alibis
Why you did not win.
What was once boorish, and hokey
Now seems incredibly okey-dokey.
Don't give in.

(Al Jolson-like)

When you're feeling low.

GORDON
When I'm feeling low?

BUNGEE
Maybe eat spaghetti.

GORDON
Spaghetti.

BUNGEE
Just as long as you
Continue on

GORDON
I like spaghetti.

BUNGEE
Every day you'll grow.
You'll become more ready
To confront the dark
Before the dawn.

(Roger, Mother and Rhoda wheel the bed in, focusing on Gordon in bed. Actually, he's out of bed standing with Mr. Bungee.)

When you want to quit
'Cause nothing works -

ROGER, MOTHER, RHODA
Don't give in.

BUNGEE
Quitting is the specialty of jerks.

ROGER, MOTHER, RHODA
Don't give in.

BUNGEE
Simply keep your focus
On what lies ahead

ROGER
Don't play games.

RHODA
Don't play dead.

MOTHER
Begin, darling. Begin.

BUNGEE
Those who are marking time,
Wake up.

MOTHER
Wake up.

RHODA
Wake up.

ROGER
Wake up.

BUNGEE AND GORDON
Life is a cause which you have to take up.

(Gordon lies down in the bed.)

ALL
Don't give in!

GORDON

(Waking up from the coma, mumbling at first)

When you wanna quit cause nothing works,
Quitting is the specialty of...

(Everyone's thrilled and embracing.)

BUNGEE
Strange things happen more than you would guess -
Don't give in.
When life seems an unforgiving mess -
Don't give in.
Things go wrong,
You lose your way,
But dont despair.
Just play fair and prepare
To win.
What once was wrong is soon righted;
Mis'rable people become delighted.
Don't give in.

↑ Return to Top ↑

RICHARD
Time for our last sponge bath together.

ROGER
He's gonna take a real shower.

RICHARD
It's only been two weeks.

ROGER
He's ready.

GORDON
I'm ready.

RICHARD
No no no.

ROGER
Yes yes yes.

RICHARD
No no no.

ROGER
Yes yes yes.

RICHARD
You boys
Are gonna
Get me
In such trouble.
Oh you boys
Naughty boys.
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch some hell.

GORDON AND ROGER
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch some hell.

(They go take their shower.

RICHARD
But I don't care.
No I don't care.
A nurse
Should help a patient get better.
Not always according to the letter.
That's why you boys are getting
Wetter and wetter.

You boys
Are gonna
Get me
In such trouble.

Oh you boys
Naughty boys
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch some hell.

GORDON AND ROGER
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch some hell.

RICHARD
Are you all right in there?

GORDON AND ROGER
Yes, we're all right in here!

RICHARD
Have you got soap?

GORDON AND ROGER
Yeah, we got soap!

RICHARD
And some shampoo?

GORDON AND ROGER
Yes, sir, we do!

RICHARD
Are you all right in there?

GORDON AND ROGER
Yes, we're all right!

RICHARD
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch some hell for this.
Richard's gonna catch
Richard's gonna catch
Richard's gonna catch some hell.

GORDON

(Showering.)

I feel like I'm sailing.
It's insane.
But I choose to live.
Before was a failing
Of my brain
Which you must forgive.
The water hits my neck;
The wind is in my face.
All gone is incredible strife.
And
I feel like I'm sailing
I'm slowly exhaling
Holding on for life.

↑ Return to Top ↑

HOMELESS WOMAN
Books for sale! Two bucks a book! "The Selected Stories of Gertrude Stein" was originally eighteen bucks, my price - two bucks!
We have books.
All sorts of fiction
You can buy
At a discount.
As of this count,
One hundred and three books -
From classics to mystery,
Also gay history
Here on the street.

Where do I get them?
I have my sources.
Readers' divorces.
Lives go bad.
Kids go to college.
Mothers throw their books away.
And mothers throw their books away
When mothers get mad.

We have books.
Handsome books.
All these books displayed in my trolley.
Poems, porno, and whakery,
Also some Thackeray
Here
Here
On the street.

(Gordon can be walking with a cane.)

GORDON
First day out.

ROGER
Just to the bank and back.

GORDON
I feel about eight.

ROGER
Don't hyperventilate.
It's normal out on the street
Informal, lovely, and sweet.

GORDON
It's raining, which I abhor.

ROGER
But you won't find him complaining anymore.

GORDON
No, no more.

HOMELESS WOMAN
We have books.

GORDON AND ROGER
Life is wonderful.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Fancy books.

GORDON AND ROGER
Very wonderful.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Kind of damp but still quite legible
James Bond up through Doctorow.
World's Fair or it's Dr. No
Here here on the street.

GORDON
I can't believe what I see
Half these books belong to me.
Half these books with my name on the cover.

ROGER
Some with the name of your lover.

GORDON
But you have found my books.
You have found my history.
Oh, you don't know what this means to me.
It means to me I live. I live.
But I want my books back.

(Homeless Woman holds up two fingers.)

I'm not paying for my own goddamn books.

(Roger tries to avoid a fight.)

ROGER
Lady grace.
Do you recognize my face?

HOMELESS WOMAN
Two bucks.

ROGER
In an uninviting place

HOMELESS WOMAN
Two bucks.

ROGER
I am someone you have counseled once before.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Don't touch them.

ROGER

(Trying to hand her money)

Blink or somehow try to show

GORDON
Roger.

ROGER
I am someone who you know.

GORDON
You're not paying -

ROGER
Please forgive me if I stand here to implore.
But here's his whole library,
Which I think very very
Well worth fighting for!

HOMELESS WOMAN
I don't care if you're the king of England.
I don't care if you're a saint.
It's two bucks.

GORDON
What?

HOMELESS WOMAN
I don't care if life's a silly picnic,
Which is something that it ain't.
It's two bucks.

GORDON
I really hate crazy people.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Two bucks if you were my mother.
Two bucks if you were my dog.

(Simultaneously)

I have my sources.
Readers' divorces.
Lives go bad.

GORDON

(Simultaneously)

Where did you find them?
You're making me crazy.

ROGER

(Simultaneously)

You're making him crazy.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

GORDON
But these are mine.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Not anymore, they aren't.
Mothers throw these books away.

GORDON
But these are mine.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Mothers throw their books away
When mothers get mad.
Come buy them...
Come buy them.

↑ Return to Top ↑

ROGER
What are you doing, Gordo? They're only books.

GORDON
What am I doing?
Everything has changed and nothing's changed.
What am I doing?
I mean, I'm different, but I'm still the same.
I still complain.
But I'm not the same that I was,
Except I'm the same that I was.
But different.
At least I hope I'm different.

So on this new day,
Let's begin from scratch.

ROGER
The pleasure's mine.
I give you time.
I give you time to screw around.
I give you time to kiss the ground.
I give you time.
I give you time to value what you've found.
And most of all, my friend,
I give you time.

↑ Return to Top ↑

MINISTER
Stories of mothers
Stories of boyfriends
And tales of how romance survives.
Stories of living
Of almost forgiving
And poor, unsuccessful, and fat people's lives.

GORDON
But ya gotta have time and music
Ya gotta have time and music.

GORDON AND ROGER
Time and music get along.

DOCTOR, ROGER, GORDON, MOTHER
You gotta have
Time and music
Ya gotta have
Time and music
Time and music
Make a song
Oh ya gotta have

GORDON AND MOTHER
Time and music
Ya gotta have
Time and music
Time and music
Get along
Oh ya gotta have
Time and music
Ya gotta have
Time and music

GORDON
Time and music make

ALL
Time and music make
Time and music make

GORDON
Make a song

BUNGEE
Make a song

HOMELESS WOMAN
Make a song.

(Segue: "I Feel So Much Spring.")

↑ Return to Top ↑

(Gordon is at the piano playing a new version of the first song.)

GORDON
I feel so much spring within me.
Blow, winds, blow;
Spring has just begun.
And something's taken wing within me.
What was dark so long
Had felt like winter.
Finally there's sun;
And so I sing
That I feel so much sprong.

HOMELESS WOMAN
I feel so much dawn around me.
Sun comes up,
Rotton times have been and gone.
And dawn is much around me.
Birds are whistling for their crazy mama.
Flowers join in song -
I hear them sing;
And I feel so much spring.

HOMELESS WOMAN AND MINISTER
In this mood
I hear music, I dance nude
And won't close the blind
I think I'm finally
Losing my mind.

RHODA, HOMELESS WOMAN, NANCY D.
And I feel so much spring within me.
Blow wind blow
Spring has just begun.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Blow wind blow spring has just begun.

RHODA, NANCY D., HOMELESS WOMAN, DOCTOR, MINISTER, RICHARD, MOTHER
And something's taken wing within me.
Blow, winds, blow.
Spring has just begun.
And something's taken wing within me.

GORDON
What was dark so long
Had felt like winter.
Finally, there's sun!
And so I sing
That I feel so much spring.

NANCY D.
I feel so much spring.

ROGER
I feel so much spring.

HOMELESS WOMAN
I feel so much spring.

MINISTER
I feel so much spring.

RHODA
I feel so much spring.

DOCTOR
I feel so much spring.

RICHARD
I feel so much spring.

BUNGEE
Time and music.

GORDON
I feel so much spring.

MOTHER
Time and music.

GORDON
I feel so much spring.

ALL OTHERS
Time and music.

GORDON

(Perfectly content)

I feel so much spring.

↑ Return to Top ↑