Act I
Give Them What They Want
What Was A Woman To Do
Great Big Stuff
Chimp In A Suit
Oklahoma
All About Ruprecht
What Was A Woman To Do (Reprise)
Here I Am
Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True
Act II
Give Them What They Want
LAWRENCE
Left hand, side pocket
Right arm, akimbo and relaxed,
Head up, gaze steady,
Now you're ready so you
Stroll in, survey them.
Your world, they're all invited guests
Feel out how to play them,
And remember this -
You're giving them what they want -
ANDRE
Za ba zoovee
LAWRENCE
Giving them what they want,
An adventure all their own.
LAWRENCE & ANDRE
Giving them what they want
LAWRENCE
Like they're in a movie
And never forget that what they want is -
Half smile,
ANDRE
Demi sourire
LAWRENCE
David Niven
ANDRE
Put on a -
LAWRENCE & ANDRE
Bold countenance, both tragic and amused.
LAWRENCE
High style
ANDRE
Ah! Comme il faut!
LAWRENCE
That's a given
ANDRE
And don't forget
LAWRENCE
All I'm doing is, I'm -
LAWRENCE, ANDRE & ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Giving them what they want
LAWRENCE & ANDRE
Doo ba zootie
LAWRENCE, ANDRE & ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Specifically what they want,
LAWRENCE
All tied up with a bow.
For as the poet said -
ANDRE
Keats.
WOMEN
- Truth is beauty
LAWRENCE
And that is all you really need to know
LENORE
Your grace!
LAWRENCE
This lady is Lenore,
She feels her life's become a bore;
You see her husband's ninety-four this May.
Buy hey, she's down for fifty mil,
In an addendum to his will,
And wherever there's a will there is a way!
I always say -
ALL
Give them what they want
LAWRENCE & ANDRE
Smooth and breezy
ALL
Exactly what they want
LENORE
An escape from the ennui
ALL
Give them what they want
ANDRE
Nothing cheap or cheesy.
LAWRENCE
Remember what they really want is -
ANDRE
Exhibit B:
LAWRENCE
Sophia loaded down with lire,
Spied a grey hair in the mirror,
So she made a resolution to cut loose.
Her family fortune is obscene, her
Dad invented Orangin-a,
Now sit back and watch while I turn up the juice!
And she is?
ANDRE
Her name is Muriel Eubanks. Extremely rich, eminently corruptible and a willing infidel.
LAWRENCE
So an American.
ANDRE
Of course.
LAWRENCE, ANDRE & ENSEMBLE
Apply a
Dignity and weight
To the
Illusion you create
And when it's
Time to separate
Her from her
Dough, woh
She'll think her money
Was well spent
When in fact
It paid the rent on your
ALL
Chateau!
LAWRENCE
Now here we go.
CROUPIER
Numero douze. Noir.
ENSEMBLE
Ohhhhhh.
MURIEL
Well merde.
LAWRENCE
Agh! Monsieur Andre? Would you please ask the manager what he might allow me for this?
ANDRE
Your Highness! Not the royal ring!
LAWRENCE
Shh. Do you want the whole world to know?
MURIEL
Excuse me. Is that man actually...royalty?
ANDRE
No, Madame.
MURIEL
But you called him Your Highness.
ANDRE
A faux pas. Please. I have already caused the Prance enough trouble.
MURIEL
The Prance?
ANDRE
The Prince.
MURIEL
A prince?
ANDRE
Forget I said anything.
MURIEL
He seemed upset.
ANDRE
Well, between the war, famine and pestilence, he has a lot on his plate.
MURIEL
A famine, my God. Please let me help.
ANDRE
No no no.
MURIEL
I have a fabulous caterer.
ANDRE
If you truly want to help, forget everything you have heard tonight. Forget the very existence of that glorious, extraordinary man of destiny.
MURIEL
Of course.
CROUPIER
Numero quinze. Rouge.
MURIEL
Your Highness, I couldn't help overhearing. Perhaps I can help. Can I help? I'm sure I can help.
LAWRENCE
Please. I have powerful enemies. They could be watching as -
MURIEL
What is it?
LAWRENCE
I'm sorry, it's just I find that jewelry usually tends to enhance a woman's beauty. But in your case the opposite is true. It tends to detract from what is already perfection.
MURIEL
It does?
LAWRENCE
Amazing. Breathtaking.
MURIEL
I have a tiara in my room.
LAWRENCE
That could do it.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Top off
The illusion
For
Fantasy, the
Man to see is you
And so
In conclusion:
All you're doing
Is you're
ENSEMBLE MEN 1
Top off
Top off
For
Fantasy, the
Man to see if you
And so
In conclusion:
All you're doing
Is you're
ENSEMBLE MEN 2
Top off
The illusion
For can't ya see,
For fantasy, the
Man to see is you
And so
So and so
In conclusion:
All you're doing
Is you're
ENSEMBLE
Giving them what they want
LENORE
Fire
SOPHIA
And passion.
ENSEMBLE
Exactly what they want
LAWRENCE
And never close the door.
ENSEMBLE
Give them what they want
ANDRE
'Til it's time to cash in,
LAWRENCE
And then you've got to leave them wanting -
ALL
More, more
More, more, more!
LAWRENCE, ANDRE & ENSEMBLE
Give them what they want
Give them what they want
Give them what they want
SOPHIA, LENORE, & TWO MEN
Give them what they want
Za soo bee yoo bee doo wah
What they want -
ALL
Some sugar in their tea.
ENSEMBLE
Give them what they want!
LAWRENCE
Here, I'll make it easy
Rememer what they really want is -
ENSEMBLE
What they really want is...Ahhh!
LAWRENCE
Me!
ENSEMBLE
Mais oui!
What Was A Woman To Do
MURIEL
Last night I met a man beneath a pale and haunted moon -
A man no woman could refuse.
Bold and assertive with a furtive air of mystery.
Magically long of lash,
Tragically short of cash.
As he approached he wore an aura of nobility,
I wore these Ferragamo shoes.
This was at last, I knew, my rendezvous with history.
What was a woman, what was a woman to do?
And when he smiled he lit the night with grace and confidence.
His teeth were clean and straight and white just like a picket fence.
I couldn't look directly at them - They were that intense.
What was a woman, what was a woman to do?
FREDDY
Freddy Benson. What's yours?
LAWRENCE
Lawrence Jameson.
FREDDY
See, Lar, I got this gift. I can just zoome in on someone and know straight off what they want, who they are. I'm sizing you up for a...banker.
LAWRENCE
No.
FREDDY
Salesman. Lawyer. Maitre d'. Locksmith. Shepherd.
LAWRENCE
Actually, I'm a dentist.
FREDDY
I was just gonna say dentist.
LAWRENCE
Amazing.
FREDDY
Well, some of us got it, some of us ain't.
LAWRENCE
I'll say.
MURIEL
I never realized how long my heart had been ignored
He sang my name and it rang out just like some major chord
If music be the food of love, he ate my Smorgasbord.
What was a woman...
WOMEN #1
What was a woman
WOMEN #2
What was a woman to do?
FREDDY
Ahhhhh.
LAWRENCE
Well, no danger of wisdom teeth.
FREDDY
That's a relief.
LAWRENCE
Indeed.
FREDDY
How much do I owe you?
LAWRENCE
Ohhh -
FREDDY
Thanks, Doc..
LAWRENCE
- Twenty should cover it.
FREDDY
But -
LAWRENCE
I'll say.
WOMEN #3
Last night I met a prince
And suddenly my life has changed
WOMEN #4
Last week I met a prince and I -
WOMEN #1 & #3
I have a purpose and a cause
WOMEN #1
'Cause to help my dreamy royal boyfiend
MURIEL
He's off rebelling and I'm kvelling here,
But never mind.
WOMEN #2
He's just so - ooo!
WOMEN #3
So suave it makes you mental
MURIEL
So goddamned continental
WOMEN #4
Who'd guess that I would be the only one to whom he'd turn -
WOMEN #1
And I'm the only one for -
WOMEN #2
And I'm the only one -
WOMEN #1, #3, #4
This man of brio
WOMEN #1, #2, #3, #4
And panache
MURIEL
He gave me romance and the feeling I was young again.
WOMEN #1
I gave him hope and strength and
WOMEN #1, #2, #3, #4
A check made out to cash
USHERETTE
He had the most amazing eyes that I had ever seen
He came in with a ticket for the Second Mezzanine
I ripped it up and put him right down there in J-13.
MURIEL
Oh, for God's sake. Anyone else?
USHERETTE
What was a woman
WOMEN #1, #2, #3, #4
What was a woman -
MURIEL
What was a woman to do?
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Teach Me. Mold me. Make me your clay.
I thought I'd seen it all.
I thought I knew the score.
But coming here, I found a world I've never seen before
Now, I know where I belong -
A life of taste and class
With culture and sophisitication pouring out my ass.
What do I want? I want this. I want this! I want this!
I thought I had a real gift,
That penny-ante grift
But Freddy's getting ready now to give his life a lift.
I'm tired of being a chump
I wanna be like Trump
Two hundred pounds of caviar in one gigantic lump.
Give me great big stuff
This is how I gotta live
Great big stuff
Uh-uh no alternative
Great big stuff
I want my silver spoon
Don't need it right now but I better get it soon.
I want a mansion with a moat
Around which I will float
With some vast-bottomed babies
In my glass bottomed boat.
FREDDY & ENSEMBLE WOMEN
A house in the Bahamas
FREDDY
Paisley silk pajamas
Poker with Al Roker and our friend Lorenzo Lamas, gimme
FREDDY & ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Great big stuff
FREDDY
I really do deserve it
FREDDY & ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Great big stuff
FREDDY
With servants who will serve it
FREDDY & ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Great big stuff
FREDDY
I don't give a damn what it's fer Ev'ry day's my birthday, Ev'ry night is my Bar Mitzver.
Now listen up:
Oh give me a home where the centerfolds roam
Guccione on the phone, he's got a party going on -
And Hef'll have me over
To play some naked Twister
Blotto in the Grotto
With a Playmate and her sister
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff
FREDDY
Rap stars'll love me!
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Get me a posse! A'ight!
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff
FREDDY
Chillin'in the city
Sittin' pretty in the Caddy
With P. Daddy or Puff Diddy
Or whatever! I'll change my name too! Get my hatchback all pimped out.
The Islands in the winter
The Hamptons in the summer,
The fashion plate I date'll give me Hummers in my Hummer
The cash to keep me idle
The chicks to keep me vital
The pills to keep me happy even when I'm suicidal
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
Nothin' crass or crappy
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
That would make me very happy
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
Bring it on and make it snappy
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
I'm gonna get me some real classy shit!
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
Like a mink tracksuit!
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
My own personal Zamboni!
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
Lots of unnecessary surgery!
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
I can finally afford to see a Broadway show!
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
Gout!
ENSEMBLE
Great big -
Great big stuff!
Great big stuff!
Great big stuff!
Great big stuff!
Great big stuff!
Great big -
Great big stuff!
FREDDY
I just want someone to love me...for my money!
Yeah!
Chimp In A Suit
ANDRE
Dress up a monkey in Armani
He may seem precocious and cute
Despite all the primpin'
You still got a chimp in a suit.
Teach him the second verse of "Swanee"
And most of "Moon River" to boot.
Sure, people may gape
But you still got an ape in a suit.
Shpritz him 'til wet with the Eau de Toilette
And you're still gonna get a stench
Dampen him well in a quart of Chanel
It won't cover the smell
I should know, I'm French!
Take him to see Don Giovanni
Show him Cezanne's lovely fruit
Teach him to cook
From Escoffier's book
He's still a gorilla en croute
You still got a chimp in a suit.
So you shaved off his fur
Decked him out in couture
And endowed him with pure Savior Fare
You dressed him up fancy
And trained him to dance, he
Remains a chimp-an-zee,
He's not Fred Astaire!
Give him a dandy little topper
Tie on a natty cravat
Buy him a castle,
He'll still be an asshole
And nothing you do will change that
He's still just a stinky little minkey
In a dinky little suit
And a cheap little hat!
Oklahoma
JOLENE
Down in the Panhandle,
Where we manhandle
All that beef cattle
And the snakes rattle.
And the wind whistles
Through the dead thistles
It's a little piece of heaven!
With a big house and
Lots of big cows and
Lots of big sky and
Lots of dust flyin'
And I'll be so happy since
I'm bringing home a prince
To my little piece of heaven, Oklahoma!
LAWRENCE
Freddy!
JOLENE
Don't you love it when the bobcats howl?
LAWRENCE
No.
JOLENE
Don't you love it when the coyotes cough?
LAWRENCE
No.
JOLENE
Well, I know a few tricks
With a thirty ought-six
You can watch me blow those little fuckers heads clean off!
And then oh boy-o
We'll go two-steppin'
Through the arroyo
Watch what you step in
'Cause those cattle eat their share
And it's gotta go somewhere
In my little piece of heaven, Oklahoma!
Oh, I know it may seem a little crickety to you after this place, but it's not like you'll be the only royalty in town.
LAWRENCE
Really?
JOLENE
There's a Dairy Queen right down the road. You're gonna fit right in. Can't you just see it?
LAWRENCE
Oh, dear God.
JOLENE
Okay. First we're just gonna show you the basics.
All right honey. Now I'm really gonna kick some shit.
Come on, sugar, dance with me.
LAWRENCE
Thank you, Jolene, I'm fine.
JOLENE
You can't just sit there on your keister all night. Let's dance.
LAWRENCE
Jolene, my keister is not in question here.
JOLENE
Well, it's gonna be.
Now I said dance!
And we'll motor into Tulsa for the weekend
LAWRENCE
Oh?
JOLENE
Through the windows of the pick-up we'll be peekin'.
ENSEMBLE
Ooh...
LAWRENCE
Ah.
JOLENE
Not a tree
Or a Jew -
LAWRENCE
Huh?
JOLENE
- To block the lovely view.
LAWRENCE
God.
JOLENE
There's a race track and a zoo
ENSEMBLE
And Oral Roberts U.!
And we'll dress you up nifty
In a big Stetson
And some SPF fifty
So no sun gets in.
JOLENE
'Cause that freckle on your skin
Can do a body in;
And the shade is mighty thin in Oklahoma!
And our leading cause of death is Melanoma.
ENSEMBLE
Melanoma!
Hyah!
All About Ruprecht
LAWRENCE
Mmm. You see, my dear -
Every royal family, by its nature
Has a kind of price that it must pay.
Every noble lineage has one loose gene
Small as a molecule,
Flitting 'round the family pool.
It's the sort of thing one sees in Appalachia
Or in the odd inbred bichon frise
It really can be such a
Nasty stain on the escutcheon
When a wisp of DNA
Begins to fray, then goes astray.
Caligula had the temper
The Hapburgs had the chin
George the Third went cuckoo-bird
And Nero had that violin
Richard, you'll remember,
Had the hump and the withered limb.
The Bushes of Tex were nervous wrecks
Because their son was dim
But look what happened to him!
Alas, our family also carries a bit of a curse,
But, darling, it could be a great deal worse.
Thus ends the verse.
Ruprecht's all about sun and soda-pop,
Paws on puppy-dogs, candy-canes,
Ruprecht's all about chocolate bunnies and
Breezy afternoons and daisy-chains.
With a little brother like this
You can't help but have a happy home.
With style upon grace
And a smile upon his face,
And all that's missing is a chromosome.
But Ruprecht's all about hugs and Valentines
That's why people all say
Hey Ruprecht! You're really okay!
He likes you. He's eating your flower.
Ruprecht's all about cake and lemonade
RUPRECHT
Milk shake enemas
LAWRENCE
Fun and play
Ruprecht's all about
RUPRECHT
Burmese belly rubs,
Fresh-shaved testicles on Christmas Day.
LAWRENCE
With a smile that's a mile and a half
And a laugh and a hearty 'How d'ya do?'
RUPRECHT
Howdja do!
LAWRENCE
It's a cinch that we will be
A happy family
One plus one plus one -
RUPRECHT
Makes two!
Ruprecht's crazy 'bout taxidermy and
KY Jelly on a rubber glove!
LAWRENCE
So give him a chance or three
Let him get to know you and you'll agree
That Ruprecht's...all about love.
Who's the happy chappy with the ulcerated ear?
JOLENE
...Ruprecht.
LAWRENCE
Who stays awake all night hollering out with fear?
JOLENE
Ruprecht?
LAWRENCE
Who likes to spend every Saturday at the abattoir?
Who gets the cattle-prod if he tries to hump the samovar?
Who likes to save up all his farts in a Mason jar?
You guessed it!
LAWRENCE, FREDDY & O.S. MALE ENSEMBLE
It's Ruprecht!
My buddy - Ruprecht!
LAWRENCE
I like him -
LAWRENCE, FREDDY & O.S. MALE ENSEMBLE
Ruprecht!
JOLENE
'Bye.
LAWRENCE
And that's about all.
What Was A Woman To Do (Reprise)
MURIEL
When I was just a little girl,
So young and innocent,
I'd kneel beside my little red
And say a prayer I still remember -
This is how it went -
"Let me have love unending;
Let me look good in shorts."
Now I am not a child and
(Hmmm hmmm) Years have passed,
I'd say my miracle is due!
Yet I'm still searching
Vainly lurching as the world spins round.
What is a woman, what is a woman to -
Here I Am
BELLYBOY
She's here.
ENSEMBLE
The soap queen!
HOTEL MANAGER
She's here.
ENSEMBLE
The soap queen!
The American soap queen!
CHRISTINE
Oh, that's me.
Wouldya look at that coffered ceiling.
Look at that chandelier
Excuse me but how I'm feeling,
Is a hundred proof
I could raise the roof
I'm so happy to be here.
LAWRENCE
Well?
LAWRENCE
You're on.
CHRISTINE
I've been kind of missing Mom and Daddy
Sort of in a spin since Cincinnati.
The morning flight, a major bore
But then they open the cabin door
And zoot alors!
Here I am!
Lord knows I had the will and the resources
But Mom and Dad kept saying "Hold your horses"
I guess those ponies couldn't wait
Pardon me folks but they've left the gate
I may be late, but
Here I am!
Ah,
The way to be, to me, is French
The way they say la vie is French
So here I am, Beaumont Sur Mer,
A big two weeks on the Riviera
If I'm only dreaming please don't wake me
Let the summer sun and breezes take me
Excuse me if I seem jejune
I promise I'll find my marbles soon
But - everywhere I look
It's like a scene from a book
Open the book and
Here I am!
MAID
Escargot?
CHRISTINE
Goodness no.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba bow!
ENSEMBLE MEN
Doot doo doo doo doo doo doo ee ow
Doot doo doo doo doo doo doo
CHRISTINE
I mean
The air is French
That chair is French
This nice sincere sancerre is French
The skies are French
The pies are French
Those guys are French
These fries are French!
Pardon me if I
Fly off the handle
'Cause nowhere else on Earth
Can hold a candle
So Veni Vidi Vici, folks
Let's face it,
Je suis ici, folks!
Excusez moi
If I spout
I'm letting my
Je'n'sais quoi out
I'm sorry to shout, but
Here
I
Am!
Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True
CHRISTINE
Look at the way the moon behaves
Look at the way she paints a silver ribbon on the waves.
One thing I've learned and I'll share with you -
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
Each moment opens like a flower
The age of miracles comes every hour on the hour.
Turn any corner there's something new
And nothing is too wonderful to be true.
If I'm preceived to be naive to be the way I am
Let people say I am a silly goof.
Is life a plateful? Am I grateful? Every day I am. It's an
Amazing world in which we live
And I've got livin' proof.
Look at the way the moon behaves
Look at the way she paints a silver ribbon on the waves
Leading directly to me and you.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
Oh, can't you see it? Can't you see it?
FREDDY
You know, I think I can.
CHRISTINE
Tell me.
FREDDY
Uh...
Magic can happen anywhere
I knew this guy at camp who ate his t-shirt on a dare.
My hotel gives away free shampoo.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
CHRISTINE
Go on.
FREDDY
Geez...
Sometimes God grants your heart's desires -
Once I was caller number eight;
I won a set of tires.
They held up that midget with Krazy Glue.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
FREDDY & CHRISTINE
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
ANDRE
Martine the Poisoner. A quick souffle, a peaceful sleep. Delicious, yet effective.
LAWRENCE
Relax, my friend, we both know my intimate relationship with Lady Luck. All I need is -
One moment.
CHRISTINE
And when it seems
Your hopes and dreams
Are on the run again,
Bad luck has won again
And it won't stop -
LAWRENCE
All right, just a simple -
CHRISTINE
The clouds will part
And you will start
To see the sun again.
And life's a ball, you're standing tall,
You've found your way back to the top!
LAWRENCE
Just -
CHRISTINE
Breathe in and taste the ocean breeze.
Look at the way the leaves are dancing in the Banyan trees.
Listen to what they are singing to you -
Nothing is too wonderful -
FREDDY
Nothing is too wonderful -
CHRISTINE & FREDDY
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
CHRISTINE
You have so much to live for. You can't give up now.
FREDDY
I'll try.
CHRISTINE
You must -
(She reaches out to him and accidentally knocks a bowl of soup off the tray and into his lap.)
Oh, I'm sorry, the soup -
FREDDY
That's okay; I didn't even feel it.
CHRISTINE
You will soon. Look at that, you're all wet.
(She grabs a napkin and begins to wipe at his lap. A moment, as Freddy sits there, then realizes his lap is starting to react.)
FREDDY
Yeah-okay-I-think-we're-good-now.
(Christine stops. Their eyes meet for a moment. Christine breaks the look.)
CHRISTINE
I'm going right downstairs and mailing this letter to Dr. Shuffhausen.
FREDDY
But all that money...
CHRISTINE
I told you, Sergeant Benson. You just leave that to me.
FREDDY
Gosh, Sergeant Benson sounds so formal. Please. Call me Buzz.
CHRISTINE
All right...Buzz.
(She smiles at him, clearly somewhat smitten. She licks the envelope. It sticks to her tongue and needs to be pried off. Or backs up, smiling at him, and conks her head on the door.)
FREDDY
Are you all right?
CHRISTINE
Yeah; I do that a lot. See you.
(They smile. She exits. The minute the door closes, Freddy jumps up from the chair and fans his crotch.)
FREDDY
Yow, that's hot!
(The lights fade on Freddy, as down in the hotel lobby Muriel is checking back in.)
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo
Doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Ba da ba da
Ba
ENSEMBLE MEN
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo
Give them
What they want!
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo
Doo doo
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Psst.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Ba
Ba ba
Ba ba
ENSEMBLE MEN
Doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
ANDRE
Psst.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Ba da ba da
Ba
Ba
ENSEMBLE MEN
Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo...
DESK CLERK
Welcome back, Madame. I thought you had left us for the season.
MURIEL
I had, but I can't imagine I won't be useful to someone in the second act.
(She exits. At the front desk, Andre whispers something to Bellboy #2 and slips him some money. Bellboy #2 picks up a message announcement stick, crosses and exits. Christine now enters, making her way through the lobby crowd on her way to the front desk. As we hear:)
SOLOS
Ah!
Oo oo oo oo ah!
CHRISTINE
Excuse me; pardon me, please.
SOLOS
Ah!
Oo oo oo oo ah!
CHRISTINE
I have to send an urgent letter to Vienna!
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Doo
Da
Ba doo
Da
Da da
ENSEMBLE MEN
Doo
Ba doo
Da da
(Through the above, Bellboy #2 has re-entered with the message stick and calls:)
BELLBOY #2
Paging the doctor.
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Doo
Da
Ba doo
Da
Da da
ENSEMBLE MEN
Doo
Ba doo
Da da
BELLBOY #2
Paging Dr. Shuffhausen.
ENSEMBLE
Doo da
Ba do da
Ba doo doo
Doo doo doo
Doo doo doo
Doo doo doo
Doo
Da
BELLBOY #2
Paging Dr. Emil Shuffhausen - of Vienna.
(Christine stops in surprise. From behind a highbacked easy chair, an arm reaches out and snaps its fingers. Back in Christine's suite Freddy is drying his crotch with a portable hair dryer as Christine makes her way back to him.)
ENSEMBLE
Nothing is too wonderful
CHRISTINE
Buzz!
ENSEMBLE
Nothing is too wonderful
CHRISTINE
You'll never guess!
ENSEMBLE
Oo oo oo oo wonderful!
(Freddy leaps back into the chair, lands on the hair dryer, extracts it from beneath him and assumes a casual pose, as Christine enters.)
CHRISTINE
Buzz, who is the one person in the world you would most like to see at this moment?
FREDDY
...Grandma?
CHRISTINE
Better.
(with fanfare)
Presenting Dr. Emil Shuffhausen!
(Lawrence enters, smiling and confident and with a Viennese accent.)
LAWRENCE
Good evening, Sergeant Benson.
(Freddy just stares.)
FREDDY
But...but...but...
LAWRENCE
One moment please.
(He looks to the audience, smiles, snaps his fingers.)
ENSEMBLE
Ahh!
(Blackout.)
Ruffhousin' Mit Shuffhausen
LAWRENCE
Now let's have a look at those legs, shall we? I understand you are completely numb from the waist down, is that correct?
FREDDY
Yes, sir.
LAWRENCE
No feeling whatsoever?
FREDDY
That's right.
LAWRENCE
Hm.
(pulls up Fredy's pants leg)
Hosen.
(removes Freddy's shoe)
Shoe.
(removes Freddy's sock)
Zocka.
(sniffs it)
Shmutzig.
(takes out feather)
Mein fedder...See if you feel this -
(tickles Freddy's foot)
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
(Freddy tries to keep from laughing.)
FREDDY
...No.
LAWRENCE
I see. So...
(wiggles Freddy's bare big toe.)
This little piggy says -
FREDDY
- Nothing
LAWRENCE
And this little piggy, the same?
(Freddy nods.)
I suppose that it's futile
To wiggle or doodle
Or jiggle this piggle?
Well, ain't that a shame.
And this one?
FREDDY
Like wood.
LAWRENCE
And this one?
Zer gut.
So, that's the entire contingent.
We'll have to try something a little more...
(He moves to a standing vase and picks out a long-stemmed pussy willow, whips it through the air.)
Stringent.
CHRISTINE
Stringent?
LAWRENCE
Trust me, Fraulein. I'm a doctor.
When I was youg and I was cute
And I was in the Institute,
They banged it in us like a drum,
The Corpus Hippocraticum.
So just before you graduate
You raise your hand and stand up straight,
And everybody has to quote
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oat'h
You swear to God to heal the sick
But do no damage, that's the trick -
Even if you have to lop a leg
Or, God forbid, an arm.
If it's for the best, go crack a chest
Or slice 'em open like a wurst
But first -
Do no harm.
(WHACK! He smacks Freddy on the legs with the pussy willow. Freddy's eyes widen, as he tries not to react to the pain.)
Yodelayeeoo!
Nothing?
FREDDY
(stifling his pain)
...Nope.
LAWRENCE
Hm.
A medical professional
Before he starts a session'll
Be sure to pause and clear his head
And think on what Ol' Hippo said -
A real mensch with lots of heart,
Bestowed on us this noble art.
Und let me tell you, that ain't easy
In three-hundred and eighty B.C.
Defend the weak and mend the ill,
Prescribe a pill, then send a bill -
For many years the system has
Been working like a charm.
But you must recollect with great respect
Hippocrates and what he versed -
First -
Do no -
(WHACK! He smacks Freddy again. Freddy turns his yowl of pain into a yodel.)
FREDDY
Yaaaaaaooo oo de lay hee hoo!
LAWRENCE
That's lovely, my boy.
CHRISTINE
But, Doctor, this seems so cruel.
LAWRENCE
On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant Benson would be the happiest man on earth if he could feel any pain...Right?
FREDDY
You bet!
LAWRENCE
Let's all yodel!
LAWRENCE & FREDDY [+CHRISTINE]
Yo-del-ay-hee
[Yo-del-od] El-ay-hee
[Yo-del-ay-hee-hoo]
LAWRENCE [+CHRISTINE]
Yo-del-ay-hee
[Yo-del-od] El-ay-hee
[Yo-del-od] El
CHRISTINE
Yo-del-ay-hee-hoo
LAWRENCE
I said yodel!
(Freddy joins in.)
LAWRENCE, FREDDY [+CHRISTINE]
Yo-del-ay-hee
[Yo-del-ay-hee-hoo]
[Yo-del-hoo]
LAWRENCE
The Corpus Hippocraticum
Like bats out of the attic come
Like popes out of the Vati-come
CHRISTINE
Like nylon sheets with static come
LAWRENCE
Like jockeys from the paddock come
CHRISTINE
Or fishsticks from the haddock come
LAWRENCE
Or you psychosomatic come to me.
(He suddenly turns and exits into the hall. A moment, as Freddy and Christine look at each other puzzled.)
FREDDY
Well, I guess that's that. Anyway -
(And Lawrence comes running back in from the hall with the stick brandished - perhaps taking a gleeful little skip as he goes - using the running start to give Freddy a truly good whack on the legs. A beat. The tiniest little squeak escapes from Freddy's throat.)
LAWRENCE
I look at him, the sorry face
I know I have to take the case
It's who I am, it's what I do,
If you were me, you'd have to too.
If I were him or I were you
I'd look at me and like the view
For here I am und here we go
Hippocrates would wish it so.
This man intrigues me; I will take Sergeant Benson on as my patient.
CHRISTINE
That's wonderful! Did you hear that, Buzz?
LAWRENCE
I am renting a villa in this area. We will move him in there, where I can really go to work on him.
LAWRENCE
Doctor, look: Hh's so happy he's crying. Do you really think you can have him walking again?
LAWRENCE
Walking?
I'll have him running, jumping, shouting, shrieking.
Or my name isn't...
(punctually each word with a whack on Freddy's legs:)
Dr.
(WHACK)
Emil
(WHACK)
Shuffhausen
(and just for good measure:)
The third!
(WHACK!)
Like Zis/Like Zat
ANDRE
Like zis - ze moon,
As round as a balloon,
Suspended like a bauble in ze sky.
(A moon appears.)
Like zat - a tune
Zat wafts above the dune
And sweetly flutters like a butterfly.
(A strolling accordion player enters.)
If ze past were plus parfait
We'd have met another day
When we both were young and gay
And thin.
(Muriel checks her hips.)
But the present's rather tense,
So I think it makes some sense for us to
Both give up,
Give in.
Like zat - ze sky,
A shooting star goes by -
(It does.)
A message you and I
Cannot dismiss.
So I'm wishing for a dose
Of being nice and close
Like zis, like zat, like zis.
MURIEL
How we doing?
ANDRE
Lovely, I just...
MURIEL
I hate to quibble.
ANDRE
No, please, quibble me.
MURIEL
Oh, you're doing fine. It's just that, um...
(Muriel is distracted by the strolling musician's tune. Trying to get the musician's attention:)
Excuse me...Excuse me, that's a little...
(She moves to the musician, takes the accordion.)
I don't mean to be rude...What am I saying? You're French!
(She plays brilliantly and then hands it back to the musician, who exits huffily.)
ANDRE
That's charming.
MURIEL
Well, it's all accordion to how you look at it.
Of ze future, who can tell,
Though we hope it turns out well
No one can know just when his bell
Will toll.
So let's live in ze here and now
And let it show us how
To find a way
To lose control
Like zat, a rose,
Delightful to ze nose,
But nowhere near as perfect as a kiss -
ANDRE
And so I am no prance -
MURIEL
No prince.
ANDRE
My looks may make you wance -
MURIEL
No, wince.
ANDRE
I offer you romance -
MURIEL
Ro-mince.
ANDRE
(gotcha!)
Ehp!
Come on, let's dince.
(They dance briefly. As they do:)
We've never been formally introduced.
MURIEL
I'm Muriel of Omaha.
ANDRE
Pleased to meet you.
MURIEL
It's mutual.
(The dance continues. Then, as they start up the steps, Muriel pauses, exhausted:)
That's it, I'm done.
ANDRE
That's it?
MURIEL
Oh, yes.
ANDRE
(also exhausted)
Thank God.
(they sit on the steps and look at each other fondly, if still a little shyly.)
ANDRE
Like zat,
MURIEL
Ze rose,
ANDRE
Delightful to ze nose,
ANDRE & MURIEL
But nowhere near as perfect as a kiss.
(They kiss, a bit timidly at first, then with more passion. They break, and she leans back against his shoulder.)
MURIEL
I like zis.
ANDRE
You like zat?
MURIEL
I like zat.
ANDRE
So do I.
MURIEL
I like zis.
ANDRE & MURIEL
Like zis.
The More We Dance
LAWRENCE
The squishy little wishy-washy crazy little strudel
In the noodle makes him lazy in the legs.
So how can we affect his soul,
Direct his soul
To make him whole's the queestion that his situation begs
Way down deep dere at the root he
Really wants to shake his booty
So I think here's what our duty with him is
Find a way we may convince his mind
To send a signal down the spine
To the behind, where all the rhythm is.
The more we dance, the more he sees,
The more we tease, the more he burns,
The more he yearns to move his knees
Like Cyd Charisse, the more he learns
That life is bursting with joy so live it
Here it is boy so give it a chance -
The more we dance, the more we dine
The more he'll whine, the more he'll pout
Until he fin'lly bottoms out
And then he'll rise and he'll shine and he'll prance -
So lets dance!
(They dance. The confines of the villa disappear, as they dance their way across the Riviera. Other couples join them, possible including Andre and Muriel at some point.)
The more we laugh, the more we grin
The more he'll have to join right in.
The more we glow and show our joy
The more I'm sure we'll cure the boy.
It isn't easy to put him through it
Remember, we do it on his behalf
So let's guffaw in his gu-face
While we em-bibe and we em-brace
No more 'I don'ts,' no more 'I won'ts,'
No more more 'I can'ts'
So let's dance!
(The scene moves to the dance floor of a Riviera night spot. Lawrence and Christine are dancing among the crowd, as Freddy watches miserably, his chair near the bar.)
CHRISTINE
He looks so miserable.
LAWRENCE
(eyes on her)
Who?
(realizes)
Oh. Yes. That means the treatment is working. Come.
(He dances her over to Freddy.)
Isn't she fabulous? Wouldn't you like to dance with her?
FREDDY
Listen, you big Vienna sausage -
LAWRENCE
All right, if you just want to sit there and miss all the fun.
(Freddy just glares, as Lawrence dances her away.)
SAILOR #1
'Dance with her,' he says; I'd like to smack him one.
(Freddy smiles. A plan. He turns to the sailors and sighs sadly.)
FREDDY
Oh, I wouldn't mind so much...but she used to be my girl.
LAWRENCE
(to Christine)
I have another idea. Love put him in that chair; perhaps love can get him out.
CHRISTINE
What do you mean?
LAWRENCE
The more we squeeze
The more we kiss
CHRISTINE
You mean like this?
(She kisses him fervently. They break and for just a moment, Lawrence drops his decorum and Viennese accent.)
LAWRENCE
Holy Mother McCree!
CHRISTINE
Was that all right?
LAWRENCE
...Ja...Ja. Wunderbar.
(He is more effected than he expected. They continue to dance. Freddy looks at the sailors and chokes back a sob.)
SAILOR #1
Listen, Mate. There's a cargo ship leaving for Honduras tonight. How'd you like your friend to be on it?
FREDDY
Gee, that would be playing kinda dirty, wouldn't it?
...Cool.
LAWRENCE
We must be cruel to fuel his desire
Let's put another log on the fire.
Come on, let's jump! Let's dip; maybe that chump will get a grip. Perhaps the Macarana will make him saner. As we say in Vienna...
ENSEMBLE
(concurrent with above)
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ya da da da da da da da
Scoddle-ee-ya da dee da doo da
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ya da da da da da da...
ALL
Ole! Woo!
Ah, ah, ah, ah - the more we dance!
Love My Legs
FREDDY
I was alone and cold and damp,
I tried to fly, but both my wings would cramp
'Til you came along and lit the lamp
To guide me to my exit ramp.
Love is my legs and you are my love
So you are my legs, my love.
Finally I understand
How hope is the hand
That squeezes a heart
And helps it to start once again.
CHRISTINE
Now stand up and walk to me.
(She backs a little way across the room and holds out her arms encouragingly.)
FREDDY
I can't.
CHRISTINE
You can.
Faith are the toes attatched to your feet
So I'll be your feet completely
Always there to strive in your socks
Alive in your socks
No longer dejected
Two feet resurrected
Connected to legs which is love
(She opens the doors to the balcony and reveals the ensemble who hold candles and sing a heavenly choir. Note: Neither Freddy nor Christine reacts to their presence.)
FREDDY
Love is my legs
CHRISTINE
Stand up. Come to me.
Love is your legs!
(Freddy slowly pushes himself up from the wheelchair and stands.)
FREDDY
I'm standing!
(an exaltation)
I'm standing!
FREDDY & [CHRISTINE]
Love is my [your]
Legs
CHRISTINE
(arms outstretched)
Now
Come to me, soldier
FREDDY
I'm still afraid
CHRISTINE
I
Know
Yu can do it, please
Try.
(Freddy takes a few faltering steps and staggers towards her.)
FREDDY
I did it. I'm walking.
CHRISTINE
Do you want to rest?
FREDDY
No. My legs are full of love. I want to keep going. Stand over there.
(He points her in the direction of the bed. She backs up a few feet.)
CHRISTINE
Here?
FREDDY
Further.
CHRISTINE
How far do you want to go?
FREDDY
All the way!
FREDDY
Love is
My legs
And you are my love
So you are my
feetbones of love
CHRISTINE
The leg-
Bone's
Connected to ankle
Bones
Connected to
Feetbones of love.
FREDDY & [CHRISTINE]
Help me scrape the
Rust
From my heart, Blow the
Dust
From my heart
Then
Help
Me [you] adjust to the
Trust That you [I] thrust
In my [your]
Heart
With your legs full of
Love
CHRISTINE & ENSEMBLE
Love is your legs
FREDDY
It was all in my head
CHRISTINE & ENSEMBLE
Love is your legs
FREDDY
Now you get on that bed!
CHRISTINE & ENSEMBLE
(as she does)
Love is your legs
FREDDY
I'm coming!
CHRISTINE
Love is your legs
FREDDY
Here I come.
Hope is your hand.
CHRISTINE
Faith is your feet
FREDDY
Love is my legs
CHRISTINE
Love is your legs
(They are now both on the bed. On their knees, they face each other. In the brief pause of the music, they scamper together on their knees, then:)
FREDDY & [CHRISTINE]
Love is my [your] legs!
Love Sneaks In
LAWRENCE
Love sneaks in when ev'rything seems quiet
Sets the bait and like a fool, you buy it
Your famous self-possession's vanished from your repertoire
This is what can happen when you leave the door ajar.
And love sneaks in and whispers to you sweetly
Silly words that change your life completely.
You're fumbling in the dark
The master's now the mark
You're out of luck
If love sneaks in on you.
(The music continues under as Christine returns to Lawrence.)
CONDUCTOR
Masdames et messieurs, en voiture.
LAWRENCE
Goodbye, my dear.
(She takes the flower and puts it in his lapel.)
What's this?
CHRISTINE
You're a wonderful man, Dr. Shuffhausen.
LAWRENCE
No.
(They look at each other, almost start to move together to kiss, stop.)
CHRISTINE
I'm sorry.
(She exits onto the train. Lawrence watches her go. A moment, then:)
LAWRENCE
The player has been nicely played
The mocker's now the mocked
That's what tends to happen when you leave yourself
Unlocked.
And love sneaks through the usual defenses
The sighs and smirks and stale old pretenses
What's gone is what you were
What's left is all a blur
You're stung, you're stuck
If love snuck in with her.
Son Of Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I win!
(A little victory dance, as music begins)
I win! I win, I win, I win!
(As he moves through the room, dims the lights, closes the curtains, etc:)
I get the dough, I get the broad
I'm gettin' rid of Sigmund Fraud
I'm gettin' paid
For all my work
Plus I get laid -
Now there's a perk!
I'm gettin'
Great big stuff
No friggin' doubt about it.
Great big stuff
How did I live without it?
Great big stuff
I fin'lly get my taste
And it's going to my head
I mean the one below my waist.
(He begins to dance, all of it focused on and emanating from below his waist.)
I'm so very...very...happy!
I made her like me
I made her care
And now she's ready
And right in there.
She says she loves me
She says she -
(He pauses and realizes what he's just said:)
She said she loves me?
(A harp is heard off, as Freddy takes this in for a moment, then banishes the thought with a dismissing 'Ugghh.' He launches back into the song:)
Great big stuff!
(Suddenly a light hits the bathroom door, behind which we now see Christine in silhouette and hear:)
CHRISTINE
Look at the way the moon behaves...
(Freddy is momentarily drawn to the sound and emotion of the song and sings even louder to banish the thought:)
FREDDY
Great big stuff!
CHRISTINE
Look at the way she paints a silver ribbon on the waves.
Leading directly to me and you...
(Freddy sticks his fingers in his ears and blathers:)
FREDDY
Greatbigstuffgreatbigstuffgreatbigstuff.
(The bathroom door opens and Christine stands there in a nightgown, lit from behind.)
CHRISTINE
Nothing is too wonderful...
(The orchestra takes up the last line with a glissando, as Freddy and Christine start to move together into each other's arms. The momentum of the movement and Christine's natural clumsiness unfortunately prove too much for the moment, as they come together to kiss, their heads clunk, and Freddy is knocked out.)
CHRISTINE
Buzz?...Buzz?
(a look of dismay)
I do that a lot.
The Reckoning
LAWRENCE
How could you do that to her?
FREDDY
Do what to her?
We're in her room,
The lights are low.
I've got it made,
All systems go.
I'm in. She's down -
The hair, the gown.
We go to kiss; She conks me out.
Then I wake up
With nothing on.
She took my clothes.
My shoes are gone.
My wallet's gone,
My watch is gone,
And here I am a schmuck in a robe.
LAWRENCE
And you expect me to believe that when she just returned the fifty thousand dollars I gave to her?
FREDDY
What fifty thousand dollars?
LAWRENCE
The fifty thousand dollars that you stole from her!
FREDDY
I didn't steal fifty thousand dollars from her!
(Music stops short. Lawrence and Freddy look at each other for a moment, then run to the briefcase. Lawrence opens the briefcase.)
Hey, there's my clothes.
(Lawrence reaches into the briefcase and pulls out a white embossed card. As he reads, in the Orchestra pit, the Conductor turns around, and we see it is Christine:)
CHRISTINE
'Goodbye boys. It was fun. Love, The Jackal.'
(She climbs over the Orchestra rail and exits via the audience. Lawrence and Freddy look at each other, as it comes together. Then:)
LAWRENCE
Amazing.
The timing.
She really had me down -
ANDRE
(concurrent with above)
Amazing.
Zis idiot.
I hate to say I told you so.
FREDDY
(concurrent with above)
The more I cried, the more she cared
The more I lied, the more she bared
The more I sang, the more she sung
I mean, come on, she gave me tongue.
ANDRE
So young, so good, so right, so nice.
She played you like a pair of dice.
LAWRENCE & FREDDY
(concurrent with last two lines above)
Hmm, shuh, yes, grrr, ha, nuts, whoa, oof -
LAWRENCE
The eyes, the smile, the joy, the hope,
The hair, the clothes,
The soap.
LAWRNECE, ANDRE & FREDDY
The soap!
LAWRENCE & ANDRE
The soap!
FREDDY
That lousy, stinking,
Lying, cheating, totally dishonest,
Dirty, rotten -
LAWRENCE
(laughing)
Yes, Freddy. Isn't she wonderful?
Dirty Rotten
LAWRENCE
You may be master of your chosen occupation
With several strings of polo ponies in your stable,
You must remember all the same
That at the crux of every game
Is knowing when it's time to leave the table.
And it's important to be artful in your exit -
No turning back, you must accept the con is done
But now and then, you might recall
The moments when you had it all -
You had the charm, you had the talent
And, my God, you had some fun.
It was a ball, it was a blast
And it's a shame it couldn't last
But every chapter has to end, you must agree.
It was a joy, it was sublime
A splendid way to earn a dime
For a dirty rotten guy like me.
When you look back on all your conquests and deceptions
You see a thousand flawless pearls set in a strand,
Laid out from Biarritz to Rome,
Each one as perfect as a poem,
An opus to be proud of though it's written in the sand.
It was a ball, it was a thrill
You had the grace, you had the skill
To know exactly what to say and what to do.
You wouldn't trade a single day
Or have it any other way -
A dirty rotten guy like you.
FREDDY
It's almost a religion
The need to take a pigeon
And to play your part with elegance and zest
But when it's time to fold the act
And your duffel bag is packed
Take comfort in the fact
That you've been working with the best.
It was a blast, it was a ball
It was a gas, I loved it all
'Cause I was hanging with the man and that's a plus.
LAWRENCE
Aw, Freddy,
- You've got the verve
FREDDY
You've got the guts -
LAWRENCE
You've got the nerve -
FREDDY
You've got the nuts
LAWRENCE
I guess we're -
LAWRENCE & FREDDY
- Dirty rotten crooks, dirty rotten shnooks -
It was a trip, it was a blast
It was a shame it couldn't last
'Cause it was almost too prodigious to discuss.
LAWRENCE
So we get screw for fifty-grand
FREDDY
I think we still deserve a haaaaaand -
LAWRENCE & FREDDY
Dirty
Rotten
Guuuuuuuuys
Like us!
Finale
CHRISTINE
Y'know, boys, I cleared over five million dollars last year, but your fifty thousand was the most fun I ever had.
It was a ball,
It was a blast,
'Cause I was hangin' with the boys and that's a plus.
You've got the class,
You've got the cheek,
LAWRENCE
You've got the brains.
CHRISTINE
Let's get that Greek.
FREDDY
I guess we're dirty rotten crooks...
LAWRENCE
Dirty rotten shnooks...
CHRISTINE
Dirty rotten guys...
LAWRENCE & MEN
Oh,
FREDDY, LAWRENCE & CHRISTINE
It was a trip,
It was a ball,
It was a kick,
I loved it all,
'Cause it was almost too prodigious to discuss.
CHRISTINE
And though two aces beat you blind,
They'll never beat three of a kind!
ALL (WITH O.S. ENSEMBLE)
Filthy, shamelss, lyin', cheatin', dirty, rotten,
Guuuuuuys...
LAWRENCE
Wait a minute, where's my wallet?
(Christine holds it up. Lawrence holds up Freddy's watch. Freddy holds up Christine's necklace. They laugh as the orchestra concludes the number with no vocal accompaniment.)
